Today's Sunday Routine in the NY Times comes from delightful Saturday Night Live cast member Vanessa Bayer, who delivers some very important commentary on bagels. Specifically, on having a bagel brought to your home by a stranger.
The beautiful New York City bagel can become flawed in the delivery process, but sometimes all that is standing in the way of you and your perfect Sunday alone at home is a toasted everything bagel with tofu scallion cream cheese, so you take your chances. As you rip open the brown paper bag and peel the tin foil off, you know anything can happen. "Please be toasted, please don't be soaked in the coffee I ordered, please be a bagel," you whisper.
In one short paragraph, Bayer captures just about everything that can go wrong with bagel delivery:
I order food from my couch and I don’t leave my couch again until it comes. I’ll order a bagel. I’ll get really mad because they will forget to toast it. It didn’t happen when I lived further east, near NYU. Those people were really on it. I’d say it takes me a good 10 minutes to get over it. I’ll have a savory or sesame bagel. Sometimes I’ll get a raisin bagel with raisin walnut cream cheese and they’ll use a knife they cut an onion bagel with and then there’s a whole section of the bagel I can’t eat. I usually order coffee with the bagel. My coffee maker isn’t the best, so I like ordering it in. Sometimes the coffee will have spilled onto the bagel, and then of course, you know how upsetting that is.
Other things that can, and will, happen when you order a bagel for delivery: It will come toasted, but BURNT; the bagel was toasted, but now it's cold; they have skimped on the cream cheese; the amount of disappointment and anger you feel over all of this makes you feel shame for ordering a bagel in the first place and now this simple thing has RUINED SUNDAY.