It feels comforting to know that in a world in which so many things are changing for the better, some things will always remain the same: hot dog hookers will keep hot dog hooking, Chris Christie and Snooki will never be friends, and the club elite in the Hamptons will always find the douchiest ways imaginable to imbibe ridiculously expensive alcohol. Because everyone knows that the only thing cooler than a $25K bottle of champagne is a $25K bottle of champagne chilled during a 10,000-foot free-fall and served by a skydiver.

The Post has a report about some of the more decadent happenings during Memorial Day Weekend from the center of linen-pants land. Derek and Daniel Koch’s Day & Night brunch at Gurney’s Inn in Montauk is responsible for the skydive service described above. The skydiver will be carrying a "chilled" magnum of Dom Pérignon Rosé Luminour “delivered to your table by parachute.” If airborne alcohol isn't quite your bag, you can always spring for the $30K methuselahs of Dom Pérignon at club Pink Elephant, which sounds like the type of party Stefon might show up for some light pre-gaming.

But there's an important reason why these elite tennis dabblers overcompensate with these kinds of pricey shenanigans, and it's not just to try to stave off the inevitability of death that looms over all of our lives: the Hamptons way of life as we know it is being threatened by daytripping, beer-swilling outsiders. “There was a time when you had to be on the inside to be part of the Hamptons, and that’s not true anymore,” East Hampton-based author Steven Gaines told the Times. “It’s become a tourist stop, and it has lost some of its exclusivity.”

“You don’t want to come across as snooty, but it’s about peace and quiet for all of us,” said Dayna Winter, a registered dietitian and a year-round Hamptons resident. She may have accidentally stumbled upon the true source behind this nefarious conspiracy to turn the Hamptons into another Jersey Shore: mother nature. “It’s not a party scene; it’s not what we want it to become," she said. "With the devastation of Sandy, we’re all a little nervous.”