Listen up you taste-blind Cronut-licking suckers: The Everything Donut has arrived like an asteroid of authenticity, streaking through a constellation of poseurs to slam into this unworthy planet and vaporize tasteless turd discs forever.

What is The Everything Donut? It's a yeast donut with sweet cream cheese glaze and a ring of black sesame seeds, garlic, poppy seeds, pepitas and sea salt. But only a fool would reduce The Everything Donut to its ingredients. The Everything Donut is Everything you aren't: worldly, gracious, bold. The Everything Donut takes the subway but never misses its train. The Everything Donut tips 25% (always). The Everything Donut does not need to festoon itself with the color spectrum to be loved.

When you bite into an Everything Donut, its toppings fall to the ground like the memories of so many lesser donuts. Sweet collides with salty, sesame seeds and pepitas turn the roof of your mouth into an Etruscan fresco of bliss. And the garlic—the garlic! New hybrid foods sold in New York City: These are life's enduring pleasures!

Is The Everything Donut worth waiting many hours in line to eat? Yes, fuck yes of course it is. Like Mary Shelley's creature, it would rather be reading Keats and having sex under weeping willows, but Doughnut Project commands The Everything Donut to stay put, and it does. The Everything Donut is loyal.

The Everything Donut is $3.75.