Winter is here in all its cruel, roaring glory, relegating most New Yorkers to the nearly-warm indoors. Then, of course, there are those cruel and lucky bastards who get to go on VACATION this season, flooding your Instagram feed with pictures of their toes in the sand. But fear not, Northeast-bound—though you may not be able to frolic on the beach like your horrible social media friends, you can pretend to embark on your own Polynesian adventure at one of the city's rum-friendly tiki/surf bars. Though these are a dying breed these days—RIP Lani Kai and PKNY—there are still a few drinking holes slinging Mai Tais like the Kitsch Kings they are. Here are our favorites, and leave yours in the comments.

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Zombie Hut (via Foursquare)

Best Place To Get Blitzed: ZOMBIE HUT: Zombie Hut's sole raison d'être is to get you smashed, or so you'll believe after a Saturday night in this funky tiki dive. Drink more than one of the bar's $5 Mai Tais or Planters Punches and you will black out immediately, awakening in the backyard hours later while spooning a Polynesian tribal statue. If you feel like sharing with friends, or have a liver of steel, you can opt for the $26 Scorpion Bowl, which arrives aflame and is packed with Bacardi 151, a rum responsible for your very poor sophomore year performance in Macroeconomics.

Zombie Hut is best enjoyed in warm weather thanks to its kitschy, straw thatched backyard. But it's plenty fun in the winter, albeit a bit more packed, and all that 151 will warm up your insides tout de suite, too. If you're sober enough to see straight, feel free to grab one of the bar's board games and wow the other Bahama Mama enthusiasts with your mad Battleship skillz.

Zombie Hut is located at 273 Smith Street between Degraw and Sackett Streets in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn (718-875-3433).

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Via Yelp

Best Tiki Dive: OTTO'S SHRUNKEN HEAD: This East Village rock bar's occasionally a little too cool for the kitsch, but none of that matters when you're downing a double volcano. You can opt for a $12 tiki drink ($17 with a funky mug, + a $5 deposit) like a Stormy Skull, Singapore Sling or Pang's Punch—or dig into a frozen German Chocolate Cake or piña colada if you don't mind the cold.

If you aren't too terrified to share an alcoholic bowl, the $30 Volcano Blast is a shareable liquid poison to behold, before forcing all your friends into the bar's photobooth. Try not to throw up on a Stuy Town resident on your way home.

Otto's Shrunken Head is located at 538 East 14th Street between Avenues A and B in the East Village (212-228-2240, ottosshrunkenhead.com).

Best Way Outer-Borough Bar: JADE ISLAND: New York Dolls member David Johansen once brought reigning culinary Bad Boy Anthony Bourdain to this Staten Island eatery, where Chinese/Polynesian inspired-meals and tiki drinks reign supreme. Though the food here isn't necessarily worth a ferry trip, the time-travel back to the bar's 1970s heyday is, as are the Hawaiian shirt-clad waiters carrying the pu pu platters and oversized drinks.

Behold the MASSIVE carved-out pineapples that carry your piña colada-esque Pineapple Paradise, dive into a Zombie or indulge in a sugary Scorpion, served in a tiki glass and topped with a paper parasol. Note that Jade Island is not for the insulin-averse, since these drinks are sweet enough to drown your taste buds for life.

Jade Island is located at 2845 Richmond Avenue in Heartland Village, Staten Island (718-761-8080).

Best Sand: SURF BAR: I stumbled into this bar not long after I defected from Manhattan to Brooklyn, not expecting to find that it was full of sand, grains of which are probably still stuck between the floorboards of my old apartment. Thus far, Surf Bar's sand floor has managed to survive the Great Williamsburg Bar Purge, and you can still spend weekends and evenings pretending you're getting drunk in Encinitas instead of on North 6th Street.

As for the drinks, Gothamist Managing Editor John Del Signore's been known to indulge in their subtly-decorated piña coladas though the mojitos, Zombies and other surf-related drinks are worth a try as well. Dump out your shoes before you track sand all over Bedford Avenue, you sun-drunk vagabond.

Surf Bar is located at 139 North 6th Street near Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (718-302-4441, brooklynsurfbar.com).

Best Tiki Party #1: TIKI MONDAYS WITH MILLER: Though the city's tiki bars have taken a dive over the years, bartender extraordinaire/modern pirate Brian Miller's been trying to keep the scene going with his semi-regular Tiki parties, where rum lovers can imbibe Painkillers, Mai Tais and Zombies, don leis and party like it's 1973. And the drinks are delicious—Miller once slung fancy cocktails at Death & Co., and he knows his stuff.

These days, Tiki Mondays have been kicking it over at Pouring Ribbons in the East Village, having relocated from the now-shuttered Apartment 13 this summer. Long Live Tiki.

Follow them on Facebook for details on the next party.

Best Tiki Party #2: SUNKEN HARBOR CLUB AT FORT DEFIANCE: Even winter can't kill this Red Hook bar's weekly Thursday tiki soirée, where $11-$14 drinks like the rum/brandy/gin/sherry Fog Cutter and the warm rum Kipling will have you drunk-eating fried wontons in one hour or less. Paper parasols, creative mugs, flaming shots and Hawaiian shirts rule the over-the-top roost here, and things get wild, particularly once people start breaking into the White Zombies, which are so lethal each customer is limited to one. The food-and-drink menu changes by the week, so check the party's Facebook page for details. And don't for a second think you're making it into work on Friday, lest you heave on your boss's computer and break down crying.

Fort Defiance is located at 365 Van Brunt Street between Sullivan and Wolcott Streets in Red Hook, Brooklyn (347-453-6672, fortdefiancebrooklyn.com).

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Via Yelp

Best Nautical Dive: THE RUSTY KNOT: It's not super clear what theme the Rusty Knot's trying to boast—surf bar? Ship saloon? Fisherman's tavern? Human fish tank? Gay bar? But whatever the deal, this West Village spot is a perfect place to pretend you're sailing off to someplace warm, instead of precariously perched by the Hudson River. Bass plaques, boar heads and ship's wheels line the walls here, with plastic mermaids adorning Singapore Slings ($12) and Dark & Stormy's ($13), all of which come in the required tiki glasses. Bonus points for a pool table.

The Rusty Knot is located at 425 West Street in the West Village (212-645-5668, therustyknot.com).

Best Surf Shack: RÉUNION: Don't let Midtown keep you from Hell's Kitchen's premiere, strange surfer/cocktail bar hybrid. This bar has everything: a fish tank, surf board decor, an old bank vault, tacos and dangerous, dangerous drinks. Try a Mermaid ($12), a frozen mojito and the bar's signature drink, or go for a slightly less lethal Frozen Corona ($12), made with lime juice, triple sec and Corona beer. They've also got classic tiki drinks like Mai Tais and Painkillers on tap, along with terrifying "Double Strong" drinks like Zombies and a Jamaican Sazerac for $14.

Réunion is located at 357 West 44th Street between 8th and 9th Avenues in Hell's Kitchen (212-582-3200, reunionbar.com).

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(Sai Mokhtari/Gothamist)

BONUS Best Real Surf Bar: ROCKAWAY BEACH SURF CLUB: We're cheating the system here, since Rockaway Beach Surf Club is closed for the season—it is a real surf bar, after all. But just because you can't stave off winter here doesn't mean it should be left off this list, since everything about this place is top-notch. There's booze here, of course—the margaritas are excellent, as are the cocktails, or you can stick with beer—plus barbecue, pub grub and brunch food, if the time is right. Plus there are real surfers, not just a million hipster shoobies, outdoor seating and legitimate surf bar decor. Surf season will be back soon enough, and you can expect this place to get PACKED. Bring cash and leave the 'tude and close-toed shoes at home, please.

Rockaway Beach Surf Club is located at 302 Beach 87th Street in Far Rockaway, Queens (rockwaybeachsurfclub.com)