Were you aware that people who work for tech startups are treated better than you are, and enjoy perks with their profession? We've rounded up the eight hottest startups to compare how they keep their workers happy.

Warbly Shark Fur, which sells face toboggans online, has a Bagel Gazebo stocked dangerously full for its employees. Fresh fruits, greek yogurt, and civet coffee (intestinally-brewed by the employees in shifts) are all available for snacking. Client-conscious workers don't have to worry about staining their teeth on that luscious, inky-black brew: there's a teeth whitening bar next to the break room.

In a recent visit to the company's NoLita headquarters, Mayor Bloomberg called the bro-tastic men's scarf purveyor Chill&Ted "spendiferous" and "near-fatal in the best of ways." Maybe it's because Chill&Ted keeps their employees humming with 44 kegs of craft beer, an array of pool tables, and Friday Night Fights, in which one employee gets tipsy and says hurtful things they don't necessarily mean to the people they work closest with. "It helps keep a nice balance between work and play and it's great for team building," one employee told us before vomiting in some sumach (Chill&Ted also have a Sumach Bar).

Editors at SheeBloop, which is compiling a supercut of all the scenes in movies in which a crying person taking a shower punches the wall, need time to rest their weary eyes. So CEO Farg Donaldson installed a special weeping willow made to exacting Fern Gully specifications that emits dopamine instead of pollen. Mangoes are freshly cut with machetes in SheeBloop's lobby, but Donaldson encourages workers to use their feeding tubes. "Chewing just slows us down," one editor rasped behind his hermetic mask. "And it's bad for team building."

Analysts at Headalytics, which Forbes recently rated as the #1 Online Cabbage Triage Center In The World, enjoy a pancake bar at least once a week, and all-expenses-paid spa visits on Saturdays. Headalytics' in-house barber makes sure workers are fresh and trim for clients, and the firm's Glory Hole is popular with both male and female employees "looking to let off a little steam and angrily throw a fist-sized bottle of liquor wrapped in a paper bag at a pack of feral cats."

Joe Geaux helps their clients pretend to speak French, so it's only natural that their employees enjoy Francophilic perks. Mandatory Monte Cristo Mondays, in which workers construct the sandwiches blindfolded in a windowless room full of birds, has been an institution since the firm's inception. "When the bosses dump the cauldron of boiling hot blackberry preserves on the floor, you really see what your project managers are made of," one employee said. "It's really great for team building."

At the Midtown flat of Hail Ceaser, a firm dedicated to designing emojis of caesar salads, workers stare at a giant whirring fan with fourteen foot blades until their hunger subsides. "It's just so peaceful—the noise just makes the hunger go away," a slavering employee told us. When the fan is broken, employees can use the company's Seamless account.

Ergonomic dining tables greet the staff at Betsy, an e-commerce site designed for people named Betsy. Rotating chefs in the company dining hall means that they'll never eat the same meal twice in one month. It all builds up to Sushi Thursdays, the last Thursday of every month in which the freshest wares are flown in from Tokyo's famed Tsukiji Fish Market. Unbeknownst to underperforming staff, their nori rolls are dipped in polonium, ensuring that "the tough conversations that slow any other company down just sort of work themselves out."

All the employees working out of FundFund's Battery Park City office are given free use of the company's car service and Private Zip Line. While the company's stated purpose is unknown, FundFund's employees are treated to a money-burning in the atrium on the last work day of every month. "Just watching it all go up, all the bills, all the bills in the air," a noticeably aroused employee told us, "It's great for team building."