Insulin shots at the ready, kiddos! Starbucks unleashed a new Frappuccino on these United States, introducing the Caramel Ribbon Crunch flavor on Monday. Being serious investigators of important chain restaurant creations, we ventured to our local coffee and calorie purveyor to order up some of the icy treats for an office sampling.

To establish a baseline—and ensure the sugar high to end all sugar highs—we ordered "regular" Frappuccinos in Mocha and Coffee flavorings, plus the new Caramel Ribbon Crunch and the Mocha Cookie Crumble, a "customer favorite" making a return to the chain. As you can see from the photo, if eye appeal were the sole factor in this Day of Judgement, the boring old Frapps would be condemned to die on a sunny pier in June. The newer drinks have crunchies! And crumbles! And chocolate whipped cream for crying out loud!

And they win in taste, as well. When you're adding all those bells and whistles and extra bits of caloric joy how could they not? Per the brand, the Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino is a "blend of buttery caramel syrup with Frappuccino® roast coffee, milk and ice, then topped with a layer of our new dark caramel sauce, whipped cream, caramel drizzle and crunchy caramel sugar topping." Sure, they say there's coffee in there, but all you're going to taste is the "dark" caramel sauce, which offers a faint chemical aftertaste that's not entirely unpleasant. Like when you sniffed those smelly markers as a kid because that Grape was sooo realistic and you got a little dizzy but then you were kind of like, "Cool!" and then huffed the black/Licorice marker, which was a mistake because we all know it's the Scent of Hell trapped inside a plastic tube.

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POV shot! (Tien Mao/Gothamist)

The Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino scored high points as well, mostly for the aforementioned chocolate whipped cream and a generous sprinkling of chocolate cookie dust. I won't get into a discussion of flavor profiles of the "old" Frapps—we all went to high school and know what watery coffee ice milk tastes like. If you like sugary "coffee" drinks then you'll probably like these new calorie bombs (only 420 in a tall size!).

And every afternoon through May 12th, from 3 to 5 p.m., Starbucks is offering a "Frappuccino Happy Hour", so you too can pick up the diabetes drinks at half price.