The only constant in life is Subway. The cry of the early aughts was the Starbucks-ification of America, but Starbucks has nothing on Subway—the chain coffee purveyor operates a measly 11,000 stores across the country, but Subway? Subway is slinging its gummy meatball sandwiches from 26,600 locations—and that's just in the United States. Of course, in order to attain total world domination, it's going to need more. 8,000 more. Look around you. If you see 1,200 square-feet of open space, it will soon be populated by a Subway! Do you know how many Subways could potentially fit inside the Grand Canyon? Lake Victoria? We're going to find out!

Building an army takes time, and Subway execs are chillingly measured about their slow plod toward despotism. "Maybe it will take 10 years or so," said Subway Chief Executive Officer Fred DeLuca. “If we do a good job building consumer demand, that number might change and be higher.” Consumer demand must have really skyrocketed after the announcement that the franchise no longer manufactures its bread out of yoga mats.

A hummus pilot test is also being deployed at 1,000 stores, with the intention of catering to the health conscious. The truly health conscious are aware that Subway sandwiches have an average higher calorie count than McDonald's, but don't think that too loudly—the Subway Thought Police will find you and use your tongue as a special ingredient in the Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt.