With the apocalypse maybe looming over us each passing day, it's not a bad time to asses your priorities. For example, what's the point of finding joy in cooking when at any moment an atom bomb can go off above your apartment? And why go out to eat when you know that somewhere Donald Trump is out there? No, better to put your food fate in someone else's hands. And according to America's stock analysts, that hand you'll be reaching for is the clammy hand of "Papa" John Schatter, whose publicly traded crime against pizza company is supposedly a great investment due to our age of civil unrest.

Stock analysts are predicting that "the current political/social backdrop, which we believe could last through the November election" is going to keep people from going out to eat, according to an analysis shared by MarketWatch. That means more delivery apparently, since cooking is out (?) and THAT means it's time to buy buy buy in Papa John's and their not-at-all suspicious insistence that they only use "real meats and cheeses."

We can only hope that this kind of news doesn't serve to embolden Papa John himself, who hasn't ruled out a career in politics and has exhibited strongman tendencies as a manager. After all, a slogan like "Better Patriotism. Better Government. Papa John Schnatter for President" doesn't sound so ridiculous in the age of "Make America Great Again." But with any luck, we'll be long dead before Immortan Papa John rules over the irradiated wasteland, only turning on the nourishing garlic butter sauce falls for brief seconds at a time.