An alleged Staten Island thief almost absconded with a cart of the most relatable illicit goods of all time. Late afternoon on Saturday, 23-year-old Marc Confessore attempted to make off with a load of goodies from a Stop & Shop on Hylan Boulevard in the New Dorp section of the borough, reports the Post. Inside his cart: 48 packages of bacon, four cases of Heinekin, a steak, two bags of chips, paper plates and some Pedigree dog food. Where the party at, Marc?

The young man allegedly attempted to hide the goodies underneath some of his clothes and then push it past the checkout counter unnoticed. Unfortunately for him—and the human and canine beneficiaries of his haul—Confessore was nabbed by law enforcement officials before he could leave with his bounty. Confessore and two other men are also being investigated for robbing a nearby spa with a hammer, as well as a SIRR station in Dongan Hills with the rallying cry, "Where's the money!?" So maybe it's best he didn't make it to that BBQ after all.