Any idiot will tell you that eating chocolate protects your skin. This is just hard science, like gravity or magnets. But Uncle Science now says that eating chocolate can lower your blood pressure and reduce the risk of certain cardiovascular diseases. Finally, watching TV and eating Triple Double Oreos will cancel each other out.

The British medical journal BMJ analyzed seven studies involving chocolate and 114,000 participants found that the "highest levels of chocolate consumption were associated with a 37% reduction in cardiovascular disease and a 29% reduction in stroke compared with the lowest levels." Heart failure or diabetes? Not so much.

The article's lead scientist and party-pooper-in-chief cautioned the Times that none of the studies involved "randomized, controlled trials," and said, "Chocolate may be beneficial, but it should be eaten in a moderate way, not in large quantities and not in binges." He adds, "If it is consumed in large quantities, any beneficial effect is going to disappear." Yeah, disappear like our risk of stroke. Last one in the Phish Food has a higher risk of heart disease!