Much to the chagrin of anyone who's ever been dumped and eaten their feelings, scientists are warning people away from eating raw cookie dough, citing E. Coli concerns that pale in comparison to the devastation of not being able to house a whole tube in your basement rec room in peace.

Scientists from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention researching E. Coli outbreaks across the country traced the illnesses of 77 people in 30 states back to their fondness for snacking on raw cookie dough. Of those 77, 35 became so sick they ended up in the hospital, which still somehow doesn't convince us entirely of the dangers of raw cookie dough, because, hey, they're all still alive. Furthering our conviction is the fact that researchers still can't identify exactly what in the dough is so dangerous, though they suspect it's the flour, which is ridiculous—everyone knows it's the raw eggs.

Anyhow, we're not disputing that raw cookie CAN lead to E. Coli—Toll House recalled some dough in 2009—it's just that when 1,353,681 people like raw cookie dough on Facebook, why should we let 77 bellyachers ruin it for everyone?