America's most noxious fast food company has more problems than just a policy of widespread wage theft and comically botched PR interventions. McDonald's is in the midst of its worst sales decline in the past decade, according to an in depth look by the Wall Street Journal, which shows that sales at the company's U.S. stores have been "flat or falling for most of the past year." And the company now knows just who to blame for its flagging burger sales: those goddamn millennials.

The WSJ tapped restaurant consultancy Technomic Inc to look into the nugget slump, which discovered that customers in that sweet spot between their teens and their 30s aren't mclovin' McDonald's chemically composed meat products and have abandoned the Golden Arches for the greener pastures and smiling cows of other chains like Chipotle. Monthly visits by customers aged between 19 and 21 have fallen nearly 13% since 2011 and monthly visits by those between the ages of 22 and 37 have stayed flat. Meanwhile, those two demographics have been increasingly visiting fast-casual chains that "offer customizable menu options for little more than the price of a combo meal."

"The millennial generation has a wider range of choices than any generation before them," explains McDonald's Global Chief Brand Officer Steve Easterbrook. "They're promiscuous in their brand loyalty. It makes it harder work for all of us to earn the loyalty of the millennial generation." To combat these slutty Millennials and their inability to commit, McDonalds—and other fast food chains—have developed new menu items like the McWrap to up their hip, "healthy" factor among the younger generations. How a 600-calorie food item that peaked before these kids were born was chosen to revitalize McDonald's with the next generation we'll never know; they should have just put Dorito dust on their fries and called it a day.

The entire breakdown of the meltdown is worth reading, at the very least for the smug schadenfreude that accompanies watching McDonald's writhe on the floor. Time for a new tactic, Ronald; might want to start by embracing the people who actually want to hang out in your stores.