Great news for the youth of America: the government, which may very well be run by cheese-loving 12-year-olds, has decided that pizza totally counts as a vegetable.

A spending bill pushed through this week with a little help from frozen food manufacturers, the salt industry, potato growers and conservatives who don't think the government should be telling kids what to eat declares the following: two tablespoons of tomato paste shall count as a vegetable, and the USDA can't limit the number of starchy vegetables a kid crams down his gullet every day. In other words: more mushy pies and French freedom fries for all!

The bill stands in direct opposition to school lunch standards set forth by the USDA in June, which called for limiting potatoes and sodium and boosting whole grains. Some school districts and giant industrial food companies complained that the USDA's guidelines went too far and cost too much, because the nation's youth needs their tater tots and Monsanto needs to keep subsidizing famers in Iowa.

Naturally, the bill has some critics, who call upon the gods of common sense to plead their case: "They are making sure that two of the biggest problems in the school lunch program, pizza and french fries, are untouched," said Margo Wootan of the Center for Science in the Public Interest. "It doesn't take an advanced degree in nutrition to call this a national disgrace," said Amy Dawson Taggart, director of a group of retired generals advocating for healthier school lunches in a letter to Congress. Can someone page Michelle Obama? Something tells us this won't go over well with her anti-childhood obesity campaign, and she might be able to pull some strings.