It's turning into a very schizophrenic week for America's pizza chains as they all try to one up each other in the craaazzzzzzy pizza innovation department. The latest contenders for Overhyped Chain Menu Monstrosity: Pizza Hut and Little Caesars, which have both eagerly bestowed upon us their most cherished market-tested creations. Let's dive into a world where no pizza pie goes unpunished, shall we?
First up, Pizza Hut, who unveiled their "Crazy Cheesy Crust" pizza at a media "Happy Hour" last night which, sadly, we were unable to attend as it conflicted with our monthly cholesterol injections (really brightens up the complexion!). But according to GrubStreet, "sixteen semicircles of cheese" ring a regular pizza, like little tiny pizza soldiers containing a rowdy gang of pepperoni. This is the next generation stuffed crust pizza—but instead of being tidily contained within a Spanx-like exterior, the cheese has been let free to spill over the belts of its crusty waistline. Pizza Hut has not responded to multiple requests for more information, so we have precious few details about this savory gut bomb... save for the fact that you'll probably suffer an immediate heart-attack upon ingestion. Get this pizza a straightjacket and 20 cc's of Lithium!
Next we have Little Caesars—which already shocked me by still existing. The chain has rolled out its new product pornstar style with a DEEP!DEEP! Dish Detroit-style Pizza. And in case you think we're degenerates with our minds in the gutter, please note that the ALL CAPS exclamatory title is the chain's own TRADEMARKED design. Serious Eats reveals that the "mozz-and Muenster-topped pie is actually two pies. So yeah, it's a DEEP!DEEP! DOUBLE-TEAM, people. If you would like to eat your weight in cheese and carbs, this sexy sucker can be yours for the LOW!LOW! PRICE of
your eternal soul $8.
Maybe Steve Novak is a pizza man?