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Tips For Talking Occupy Wall Street At The Thanksgiving Table

<p>We recently received a press release from Planned Parenthood entitled, "8 Easy Steps for Discussing Reproductive Health and Justice at the Holiday Table." Unless you're a <a href="http://gothamist.com/2011/11/20/video_last_nights_gop_debate.php">Republican candidate for president</a> most families would rather not wander into that morass (at least not until after a few drinks). But it got us thinking that there will probably be one widely-discussed issue that will have Aunt Gladys gripping her rocks glass extra tight: <a href="http://www.gothamist.com/tags/occupywallstreet">Occupy Wall Street.</a> Here are some tips to keep the infighting between members of the 99% at a minimum.<br/></p>


<p>When the self-selected dish-handlers (you know who you are) retire to the kitchen to prepare coffee and dessert, those who remain in the dining room scarfing filberts have only one way to communicate their pie selection and coffee preference: the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knhnpUgdi_o">People's Mic.</a> It's a democracy people, so it may take time, but your order shouldn't get lost this way. REFRAIN from using the People's Mic when telling your cousin how selfish she's been all these years monopolizing the time your grandparents have spent with family merely so she can be seen as a favorite in their eyes and you can seem like a bad kid and therefore not worthy of their love because she's just an emotional blackmailing bitch like that.<br/></p>


<p>Don't treat Occupy Wall Street as a simple matter of Democrats vs. Republicans. Point out to the uncle with the Bush/Cheney 2000 bumper sticker on his Impala that the <a href="http://www.theithacajournal.com/article/20111120/NEWS01/111200329/Tea-Party-Occupy-Two-distinct-movements-share-common-goals?odyssey=nav%7Chead">Tea Party endorses the sentiment</a> that there should be less corporate money in elections. And for your sister with the Subaru, note that President Obama has <a href="http://dailycaller.com/2011/10/10/obama-attacks-banks-while-raking-in-wall-street-dough/">taken more money from Wall Street than any other candidate in recent memory,</a> and that one of the top contributors to his campaign in 2008 was <a href="http://www.opensecrets.org/pres08/contrib.php?cid=N00009638">Goldman Sachs.</a><br/></p>



<p>The <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xV3zTlgu3Q">Occupy movements' hand signals</a> are considerably more useful than leaning your head at a platter and saying "Culdyouhanmethastufthre?" in getting members of the table to pass the vittles. Fingers wiggling up means you desire "dark meat." Fingers down mean "light." Fingers wagging at mid-level means "if you keep pouring that gravy before it makes its way over here I'm going to kill you."<br/></p>


<p>Try and steer discussion towards the less fortunate of those living in our country. The downtrodden who are ignored by society and continue to live an outrageously pointless existence in penury. Like the <a href="http://www.nfl.com/thanksgiving">Detroit Lions.</a><br/></p>


<p>Drum circles are a disruptive, if spirited distraction to a serious Thanksgiving discussion on the country's disparity of wealth and the power that corporations hold over politicians. That being said, a gnarley-ass version of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIL1AOMcX2w">Iron Lion Zion</a> can be performed using just three crystal wine glasses, a china saucer, six spoons and those gross peanut butter cookies your mom keeps making because no one has the heart to tell her they are terrible.<br/></p>



If you're interrupted at any point by a subsection of occupiers tablemates who feel as if what you've betrayed the nature of the conversation, calmly remind them that you're "listening" before launching into an anecdote that has nothing to do with what they're screaming about. Not only will they make sure they see you next Thanksgiving, but they'll pass you a polite note on your way out the door.