NY Post columnist Steve Cuozzo is famous for his rants against things like pedestrian plazas, bike lanes and filtered tap water cafes. But we might love his restaurant reviews the best—how else would we know we'd "gag" at Lady Gaga's dad's restaurant?! For today's review, he gave ZERO STARS to Upper West Side bistro The Purple Fig, asking, "Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on here?"

Cuozzo, who is 100% correct about tipping, admits at the outset that he only went to the West 72nd Street establishment once, "So I’m a rotten fig to trash a new place after a single visit. But a restaurant this ridiculous after six weeks begs for it in the kisser. What’s truly unfair is to send well-meaning employees into action without training, direction — or hope." Read the full review for his visit (risotto "that was more accurately creamed rice" and being served sad crumbs of bread—pictured!) but here's one charming part:

“Do I know you from Aquavit?” a manager butted in. “No? From Tocqueville? No? Do you live in the area?” Was I being spotted as a critic — or propositioned?

Vanilla panna cotta that failed to set arrived near-liquid. Espresso duck-egg creme brulee with raspberries was as grim as it sounded. It moreover lacked raspberries. “The ones that came in were very acidic, so our chef decided not to use them,” was the explanation.

“Our credit card machine is down,” the waiter apologized at the bitter end. “But there’s an ATM across the street.”

Cuozzo also provides some backstory for the restaurant—original chef Conrad "Gallagher, a sort of cut-rate Gordon Ramsay, worked at several New York restaurants and earned a Michelin star in Ireland when he was just 26. He built a seven-restaurant empire in the UK — but soon lost it all to creditors. In 2003, when he was running a bar on First Avenue, he was arrested for allegedly stealing artworks in New York, briefly jailed in Brooklyn and booted to Ireland, where he was acquitted of the charges."

At the time he was acquitted, his spokeswoman said, "Conrad Gallagher is looking forward to going back to New York and continuing his business there." Gallagher is now just a consulting chef there.

Of course, not everyone hates The Purple Fig—some folks who got a comped meal liked it! But the masses on Yelp give a very mixed opinion.