By now, the tales of "no toilet paper" and "we didn't have cell phone service for three hours!" are being spun into yarns that will be spoken in hushed voices of generations of jilted foodies to come. But we braved yesterday's crowds and can give you intel more useful than a passive-aggressive (or just aggressive!) tweet.

GO NOW: Like right now. Speed-read this baby and just walk out the door.

Bring lots of cash: Thankfully, the GoogaGods decided to stop forcing people to convert their greenbacks into Itchy & Scratchy money Googa Moula to purchase beers in the shadier, pleasant beer tents. But to get a full belly you'll need at least $20, plus booze money. The ATM lines weren't too crazy, but the surcharge is $3.95. Here's what you would have had to endure had they decided to keep the Googa Moula:

Forget the lobster roll: Unless you're willing to give up an hour+ of your life/sanity, give up on your dream of lolling around on the grass in a pile of lobster rolls or Colicchio & Sons tacos. After all, you can get those any time you want, and everyone wants them—try something different! Look for the "line minders" with the giant circular signs with low wait times.

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Line minder (John Del Signore / Gothamist)

When you see a bathroom, use a bathroom: You can avoid the "ohmygodmykidneysaregonnaexplodealloverthisnicefamilyonapicnicblanket" feeling if you go whenever you spot a toilet with a smallish queue. Standing in line for 10 minutes, calmly contemplating life is preferable to 30 minutes in agony. We weren't aware of any toilet paper issues yesterday, but it may not hurt to tear off a few sheets & throw 'em in your bag.

Sunscreen/water:This is no joke. Besides, dry afternoon beer mouth is the #1 cause of depression in males ages 21-40*

Tell your loved ones you love them before you enter: Cell phone service drops off immediately after entering. We had spotty text service and almost zero-calling ability. The positive to this is that you'll actually have to converse with the people around you.

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See? Someone's having fun! (John Del Signore / Gothamist)

Waaahhhhhmmmbulances cannot enter Prospect Park: You agreed to go to a sold-out food festival in New York City (with 39,999 other people!) Remember to occasionally stop bitching and breathe in the air from the city's sweetest park.

*Probably