Since kale became such a sufficiently celebrated phenomenon that it will now be served at the Super Bowl, it was only a matter of time before somebody decided it would make an appropriate name for a child. Last year, there were 262 such people in existence; that number will surely only increase this year.
Of course the coasts are to blame, with the highest concentration of Kales traced back to California, obviously. The first recorded instance of Kale As Child occurred in Kansas in 1962, though we'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they were shooting for "Caleb," but missed. With only five instances of female Kales recorded by the Social Security Administration in 2013, this is clearly a boy's name, so be careful of committing that embarrassing gaffe. This, like everything bad that has ever happened to you, is Gwyneth Paltrow's fault.
In eerily closely related news, one Illinois man found a small green frog living in his week-old kale, which he discovered while rinsing the leafy greens in preparation to eat them. But rather than screaming and emailing a photo to Gothamist (correct response), the man decided to keep it as a pet. Like 262 human pets, the man named the hardy amphibian Kale, and is allowing it to live in a glass pitcher surrounded by the same vegetable that once served as its prison, the hours and days ticking slowly by as it awaited death in the refrigerator. Death is just one of many preferable alternatives to being named Kale.
