Your freezer may be lined with boxes of Trader Joe's' beef taquitos and Mexican quiche but no, Ye Lazy Shopper, those things aren't real food. Or so says Mark Bittman, Times food columnist and purveyor of fine cuisine; he told the Times he doesn't consider the beloved mammoth retailer "a place to shop for actual food." FOR SHAME, FOR SHAME, YOU, SIR.

Bittman's T. Joe's shade-throwing was done in today's Common Sense column, in which author James Stewart detailed his Thanksgiving grocery shopping excursions at the Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and Fairway. And after analyzing price, selection and quality and quantity at each spot—Fairway was the most bank-breaking, Whole Foods had the prettiest pies and Trader Joe's was the cheapest—Stewart turned to Bittman to get his two cents on how the retailers compare. "I’d have guessed Fairway would be the low-cost option,” Bittman said. “But those prices on turkeys at Whole Foods are surprisingly low. I’d bet that’s a loss leader for them. And if Whole Foods has made a decision to be price competitive, that’s good news for consumers."

But when Stewart asked Bittman about Trader Joe's, the claws came out. "I don’t think of it as a place to shop for actual food,” he told Stewart. "It’s great for milk, nuts, bulk items, packaged foods, but I’d never go there for fish, meat, vegetables or fruit." BUT WHAT.

True, T. Joe's isn't exactly known for its produce selection, but Bittman's burn calls the whole definition of actual food into question, particularly for those of us who use a microwave more than a non-stick pan. Is my ready-made Saag Paneer some kind of cuisinal fakery, Mr. Bittman? What about the Organic Raisin Bran Clusters, is my cereal a lie? Do you not dream sweet, sweet fantasies about the gluten-free 3 cheese pizza? Trader Joe's has $3 wine. Oh, it hurts. It hurts so much inside.

Luckily, Stewart's still on the good side. Though Whole Foods' animal welfare standards sway him when it comes to meats, "I’ll get the wild rice, the brussels sprouts on a stem, and pretty much everything else at Trader Joe’s." Suck it, Bittman.