The first game of football season may have been played last night but the season won't begin in earnest until this weekend, when New York's teams take the stage to either lose or set unrealistic expectations for the rest of the season. The Jets in particular are geared up to have an interesting season, with a new coach, a new starting quarterback and some truly insane new food options for their home games at Metlife Stadium.

The team and the stadium's food operator Delaware North SportService debuted three new menu items for the 2015 season, the rationale seeming to be Create Something Wacky in lieu of former coach and Hooters enthusiast Rex Ryan's notorious antics. This goes way beyond Nacho Helmet, people.

The most "innocent" of these new offerings is a $30 pretzel, the "Jumbo Pretzel," in fact, "an oversized Bavarian style pretzel with ½ pound of beer cheese, ½ pound of crumbled chorizo sausage, ½ pound of fried jalapenos, brown mustard and JET FUEL." What fuels the Jets? A "spicy green chimichurri," apparently. It comes in a cute little pizza box inside which you can store your dignity once you've finished the pretzel.

Next up, the Jumbo Jet Sausage, the team's answer to and amped up version of a footlong hot dog. No mere 12 inches is enough here; let's go to the stats:

  • 24: number of inches in the "heavy sponge Italian roll"

  • 28: number of inches in the "custom made Premio Italian Sausage"

  • 2: pounds of said sausage and accompanying chicken sausage, combined

  • 1: pounds of caramelized onions and cabbage kraut

  • .5: pounds of spicy German beer cheese; add that much again for the crumbled spicy chorizo

  • 7: amount of people the dish is intended to feed

  • 60: number of dollars you will pay for this sausage

  • unspecific: number of anxiety-ridden bathroom trips you'll be making later
  • Then there's the Jumbo Jet Breakfast Bagel, a 10-inch everything bagel stuffed with "a triple patty or ½ pound of Taylor Ham, 1 pound of Spicy Chorizo patty and 1 pound Breakfast Sausage patty, topped with 4 fried eggs, 4 slices of American cheese and potato hash." The cracked out BEC retails for $30 or the price of your copay when visiting your cardiologist immediately following the game.

    Let's go eat a goddamn snack.