Is a headache induced by the excess consumption of rail liquor interfering with your important contributions to society? How many lives will be thrown into chaos because of your astonishing lack of willpower? Are you the corporeal manifestation of Western tyranny? Hook your arm up to a drip of liquid money and feel your self-awareness melt away.

The Hangover Club is a rich person's favorite kind of "club," in that you pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege of joining an elite group of New Yorkers who are too good for painkillers.

"We can all relate to some degree or at least understand that we don’t have time to be hungover, we have stuff to do," the PR pitch goes, treating the human body's reaction to eight shots of Fireball like some cruel happenstance. Hangover Club's website is more succinct: "You don't have time to be hungover. You have shit to do."

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"Hurry up, fluid, we have shit to do!" (Hangover Club)


For $175, $219, and $249

, a trained medical professional will travel to your side and administer you a color-coded elixir of saline solution that includes "A Blast of Liquid Super B Vitamins," and "a mix of 7 vitamins and minerals designed to recover quick and feel great for days."

You know this stuff is good for you—why else would you put it directly into your bloodstream?

Plus, you're creating jobs for all those RNs, NPs, and PAs who would normally be working in some stupid hospital. How many of their old patients played varsity lacrosse or arrogate vast sums of money through complex financial transactions?

If your life is like the first 30 minutes of Billy Madison, or if the world cannot miss a moment of you acting like a tool, Hangover Club seems right for you. It's not like you're filming a documentary about dipping your fucking beard in lucite for your newborn child.

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Nurses love administering unnecessary IVs to intoxicated patients (Hangover Club)