John Kasich is a just simple man who hates Fargo and also wants to be President. And because the Election 2016 news cycle is a ravenous maw that never stops, some blogs have latched on to a photo of Kasich eating pizza. At a Queens restaurant.


The non-scandal took place at Howard Beach pizzeria Gino's Wednesday during a campaign stop ahead of the April 19th New York primary. After telling prospective voters and TV people "This is New York, this is the heart of America, the heartbeat," Kasich sat down to a piping-hot slice and then made the grave mistake/sensible choice of using a fork to take his first bite. What gives?!?! Doesn't Kasich know that in this town we only eat pizza with a folded paper plate and at least one "Fuck outta here!" per slice?

Of course he doesn't. John Kasich is from Ohio, and odds are his hearty rust belt constitution caused him to reach for a handy tool. When Donald Trump got caught using a fork to eat pizza, the outrage was warranted. Trump is from New York—he should know better. But Kasich is just a simple man who really loves Linkin Park. We all need to lighten up. Nothing says "slow news day" like clowning on a man whose dreams will never come true.

"Look, look, the pizza came scalding hot, OK? And so I use a little fork," Kasich told "Good Morning America" Thursday morning. "You know what? My wife who is on spring break with my daughters said, ’I'm proud of you. You finally learned how to use a utensil properly.’ But I mean — not only did I eat the pizza, I had the hot sausage. It was fantastic."

You see? Here's Johnny Kasich, a man who's made it to the late stages of the GOP primary circus despite seemingly actually wanting to do his best at governing the nation, rather than slaking his thirst for power, just trying to enjoy a hot sausage and connect with the common man. And while his opponent is calling for punishments for women who have abortions, J-Kajzh is catching heat. In the end it's all meaningless, because John Kasich is never going to have any meaningful impact on this election. With his 143 delegates, he's one Wisconsin primary defeat from dropping out of the race. When Mayor de Blasio was caught fork-handed using utensils at Goodfella's on Staten Island, we were forced to deal with the reality that this was who we elected, but eventually the world, and de Blasio, moved on. At some point everyone realized there are more substantive issues to focus on and it was undignified and stupid to keep talking about such trivial nonsense.