Millennials like myself spend a lot of time defending accusations that our generation is lazy, entitled, and hellbent on bringing down the Working Man's beer. But sometimes this city's young folk participate in something so foolhardy, even the most staunch millennial defender is forced to throw their own under the bus, and JUICE CRAWLS, a #hot #new #trend some insane people seem to enjoy right now, is one such craze worthy of Gen X-burning.
The NY Post reported on this #hip #fad today, noting that adults in their 20s and 30s are now paying $15 to $50 to spend their evenings sampling juices from various shops in Manhattan. These juices, which might not even be that good for you, do not have alcohol in them, but somehow this is still a social event. "It’s better without booze because you’re using your natural life-force energy, and I think that’s so important," one attendee told the tabloid. "Your inner 5-year-old gets to come out and have a mother-freakin’ blast!" Please move back to Berkeley.
Five-year-olds, may I remind you, only have booze-free fun because they don't know any better, and also because their bodies are small enough to get drunk off of Play Doh fumes. Grown-ups have grown-up livers, and cups of blended carrot-and-kale will not succeed in leading them to make out with their cute coworker before triumphantly puking in a cab.
"We forget that we can be happy and fun, and get high just off our natural love of life," one attendee crowed, but she is wrong. Life consists of giant rats, G train derailments, and douchebags who wear shorts in the winter. Life, especially in NYC, is abrasive and meant to be dulled with alcohol. Life is meant to be regretted on Sunday mornings, and on Friday mornings, and at your desk at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday because you spiked your coffee with Kahlua. You are an adult with an adult driver's license, and you don't need to eat flowers to get high.
Anyway, if you want to book a juice crawl, you can do it online, though note that you may have to navigate the East Village with a full set of senses.