Sometimes a press release attains a level of such unadulterated grandiosity that you simply want to copy and paste it in its entirety, thus entering it into the public record. Such is the case with the money-themed "neo-speakeasy" The Cash Bar, which opens in Murray Hill on Thursday. This place really has a lot going for it, from its ideal neighborhood location to the $1 million in cash the owners supposedly have on display inside. But let's let these mysterious operators describe The Cash Bar for you in their own words. Don't be frightened, you're in capable hands:

So, let’s get this straight… opening up is a bar daring a "hush-hush" secret ATM entrance, era-less presidential cocktails, $1,000,000 in cash on display, enticing tapas menu, accepting any currency from across the globe, with a low maximum capacity… and it resides in Murray Hill? Are you serious?!

Damn right...

Attention, Gamblers & Fancy Ladies, shhhhhh... and welcome to TheCashBar - this neo-speakeasy is located in Murray Hill, a stones throw from The Empire State Building. Grasping Lower East Side charm, yet standing without all the pretentiousness that comes in tow… TheCashBar is more of an accessible "blind tiger" in comparison to all other speakeasy style establishments in NYC. Yes, we agree that a moustache on a man is awesome & it is encouraged, but unlike others… it’s not mandatory folks. Whilst calling on creative cocktails, boasting beautious bourbons, bestowing bottles of choice brews and accompanied by a tasty tapas menu; TheCashBar has everything one would need for a fantastical evening out. Opened by seasoned music industry veterans & bar'atuers from New York City to Montreal... there is always an ecclectic mix of sounds to please a variety of ears, and a great selection of libations to tantalize the tongues of all.

How can one find this quaint little joint is a question you may be asking yourself. Well, simply look up for the “$” sign on East 34th Street between Park & Madison (south side) and find the "Out of Order" ATM machine in the foyer of an unassuming sports bar. Yes, it will say “out of order”, but you should really look past that façade. And like it was so in Harry Potter, it is best to look for the 58 and "Three-Quarters" (probably the only bar ever to use a Harry Potter reference).

Come on down celebrate the One Worldly Common Denominator… L'argent, Geld, Soldi, Dinero… Money. TheCashBar is the city's biggest little bar. Cha'Ching!

Ca-Ching indeed. Start lining up now, Murray Hill residents—it's time to come home. According to Thrillist, there will be a teapot filled with any cocktail on the menu waiting for you.

The Cash Bar // 58 3/4 East 34th Street between Park & Madison (South Side of the Street, Look for the "Out of Order" ATM in the Sports Bar)