You are a worthless P.O.S. if you don't hire a bartender for your house party, say people who own catering companies and two random douchebags. This is a certified trend, according to the Times Thursday Style section, which, ahem, reports that "a growing crowd of 30-something New Yorkers who wish to signal they’ve graduated from post-collegiate squalor to young professional coming of age... won’t invite friends over for cocktails without the assistance of a bartender — eve [sic] if there’s barely room for the bartender to stand." Interviews with caterers and people who've hired bartenders confirm it, and here are the three most infuriating quotes from this most infuriating of articles:

  • "I’m an adult now, living by myself, and this is my sh-bam, my moment," said Claudia Argiro, who paid almost $200 for a bartender/status symbol for a party at her 400-square-feet Williamsburg apartment. The bartender didn't mix any drinks, but simply poured vodka punch or rum eggnog into clear plastic cups
  • "In my opinion, if you don’t have a bartender at your party, you’re a loser. The bartender brings class and sophistication. If you can’t afford to hire a bartender, you shouldn’t be having a party," opined Dustin Terry, a guest whose career is "getting models and Saudi royalty into hot clubs." Here's Terry's classy, sophisticated Myspace page!
  • Indeed, Argiro's investment paid off, because another guest, Eric Carson, reported feeling "very sophisticated at this party. And I usually feel like a complete dirt bag."

In the end, Argiro was thrilled with how hiring a bartender brought "a chic, Mad Men vibe to the party." Yep, nothing says Mad Men like a guy pouring drinks into plastic cups in a tiny crowded Brooklyn apartment! Ooh, is that Jon Hamm! History will surely look back at Argiro's fabulous event as The Party of the Century, and you'll no doubt want to kill yourself because you're one of the many losers who wasn't invited. If so, do us a favor by jumping off the roof of Argiro's building, after setting it on fire.