By now, the entire internet knows about that vodka-soaked tampon insertion thing that teenage girls (and, uh, guys) are supposedly doing to get drunk without actually drinking. Even Stephen Colbert is warning parents about it! And while the internet has never cared about "proof" before, suddenly, one Huffington Post blogger (who is not a teenager) has decided, for reasons entirely unknown, that the world deserves to know what really happens when you shove a vodka-soaked tampon into the darkest abyss of the female anatomy. Talk about inserting yourself into the story! Or... vice versa. Spoiler alert: it burns.
You can read the whole horrifying tale here, but here's a little preview of what you have in store:
"I repaired to the bathroom and—without too much information here [Ed note: THE PRECEDING 500 WORDS HAVE BEEN TOO MUCH INFORMATION, WHY STOP HERE?]—managed to wad the thing up and push it in where it was supposed to go. (Did it help that I've had three kids? Possibly.) Girls, don't do this in your best party dresses: I think I lost another half-ounce in the process as it splattered on to my clothes and the floor. No need to say 'Bottoms up!' Reaction: 'Oh sweet mother of Jeez—,' 'Owwwwww.....,' 'Absolut... firewater!!!!!!!' 'Holy sheeeeeeeee...' It felt like someone had thrown a lit match in there.
And in the end, she doesn't even get drunk. So now this blogger, Danielle Crittenden, must live with what she's done. Her family may abandon her, her gynecologist may drop her as a patient, and her body itself may very well revolt against her to retaliate for the horrible things she's subjected it to. But at least Crittenden can take comfort in the fact that the internet, for
one millions, will never forget.