Mitzy grabbed The NY Post from her kitchen table, crafted from the wood of her grandfather's old schooner, and tucked it under her arm. She opened her Sub-Zero Pro 48 to procure her mid-morning glass of Rosé, and managed to get one last heavy pour out of the Domaines Ott she opened earlier that morning. Finally, she walked down to her Altair water tent and escaped into the darkness, as was her pre-noon ritual. Sometimes she would lose track of the time in there and not emerge for days, something that simultaneously thrilled and disappointed her three children. "Where were they, anyway?" she wondered for a moment before entering her tent, which she long ago dubbed Greyer Gardens. It was funny then. Less so now.

She unfolded the paper, and was immediately attacked by the seven most alarming words in the english language: "Rosé running dangerously low in the Hamptons"! Mitzy vomited delicately, and in the shape of a fleur-de-lis, on her white linen blend wide leg pants.

She squinted her eyes over and over again, hoping the words hanging before her would wash away upon each reopening. But they didn't. "It's ironic," she thought, "the only thing that would make me feel better right now is Rosé."

Mitzy remembered how The NY Post could over-sensationalize things, like that gossip item about her crooked Wall Street husband ("Where is that bastard?"), so she read on:

"Restaurants and wine shops are low on local favorite Wölffer Estate, as well as imports like Chateau d’Esclans’ Whispering Angel... Haute Chinese hot spot Red Stixs in Water Mill ran out of Whispering Angel weeks ago. Photographer-turned-vintner Ben Watts’ Spanish WattsUp Rosé is completely sold out at Montauk’s Surf Lodge, Navy Beach and Moby’s in East Hampton. A Wölffer Estate rep told us the vineyard’s sold out its 2013 Summer in a Bottle Rosé and Grandioso Rosé as well as the 2010 Noblesse Oblige Sparkling Rosé, but still has some 2013 Wölffer Rosé. 'We are getting very low, so it’s hard to say how much longer we’ll have it,' a rep said."

"God help us all," Mitzy whispered into a conch shell.