People enjoy eating, giving out, and even dressing like candy on Halloween. But not all candy is Halloween-worthy. Here is the only good candy (and a list of some of the bad candy).
10. Candy Corn: Candy corn is contentious. Some people understandably think it's too saccharine, but the key to enjoying candy corn is to eat it sparingly. The true beauty of candy corn is that it's seasonal—although your boss and/or roommate likely keeps a pumpkin filled with Kit-Kats and peanut M&Ms year-round, candy corn is only an acceptable treat in the month of October. Scarcity=value. Bonus points to candy corn pumpkins.
9. Pull 'n Peel Twizzlers: Regular Twizzlers are okay, but pull 'n peel Twizzlers are both delicious and fun to play with, so they take precedence.
8. Milk Duds/Whoppers: Candies that take a long time to eat are the best. A chocolate consistency is the hobgoblin of deliciousness. You will still be sucking on one malt ball long after your less fortunate friend finishes an entire Mr. Goodbar. Milk Duds are also very good for freezing.
7. Sour-Patch Kids: Sometimes it's best to balance out all that chocolate with something from the sour family. Sour-straws are the preferred option, but they rarely come in fun-sized packs, so Sour-Patch Kids are the ones to go for.
6. Krackle, Mr. Goodyear, Hershey's nuggets: Choose your poison, you can't go wrong here.
5. Halloween-themed gummies: Gummies are the best non-chocolate candy. Themed gummies—witches hats, spiders, bugs, etc.—are even better because they are rare (see point 10, aka scarcity=value), and also because you can stick them to furniture and freak your friends/parents/coworkers/children/pets.
4. Peanut M&Ms, Reese's cups: I like to trick myself into believing that peanut M&Ms are healthy, because peanuts are important protein. Peanut M&Ms are therefore both a meal and a dessert, and the perfect Halloween candy. The same stands for Reese's cups, which I have eaten for dinner more times than is recommended by a physician.
3. Kit-Kats: Kit-Kats could be a little lower down on this list, but when a Kit-Kat melts, it is ruined forever. Still, A+ candy.
2. Milky Way/Twix bars: Feel free to disagree with this if you're one of those strange people who doesn't like caramel, but a Milky Way bar is a goddamn piece of art, particularly once frozen. Twix bars are made with both cookies and caramel, and are therefore awesome—feel free freeze these babies too, but be careful when you bite.
1. Full-sized anything, provided it is not made with coconut. A full-sized candy bar is practically mythical on Halloween, but when one is obtained, it is like a ray of sugary sunshine through the health food clouds. Obviously a full-sized Milky Way or Twix bar is jackpot, but Kit Kats, Butterfingers, Snickers and the like will do as well. The only exception to this rule is if it is a full-sized Mounds bar, because coconut is disgusting and should never be permitted to sully candy.
For a description of candies that are bad, I now turn this post over to Ben Yakas, with whom you should never leave your children on Halloween:
Benjamin: i think it should be razor blades
they are bad candy
also ecstasy
actually ecstasy should prob be like in the middle
bc it's good but kinda wasteful to give to children/strangers
nuts are a terrible candy
pretzels are ok
chocolate pretzels are good
homemade cookies.... where do you fall on those, thats important
homemade items i think should generally be avoided
too many variables
waffles would be a bad halloween candy imho
unless they came with syrup
Also suspect: cereal, oatmeal, RAISINS (the food of the devil), carrots (IT'S HALLOWEEN, JESUS CHRIST), jelly beans, and pennies. Pennies can neither be eaten nor used to purchase things. Some asshole gave me pennies for Halloween one year, and I am still talking to my therapist about it.
Anyway, brush your teeth.
