Sure, the guv'ment says New York City tap water is the finest in all the land, but they also want the public to believe there's not zombie apocalypse taking over America. NYC tap water has been consistently clean enough to spare the city from spending billions on a filtration facility, but the water is treated with chlorine to kill germs, orthophosphate to counteract lead contamination from pipes, sodium hydroxide to decrease acidity, and fluoride to prevent cavities (and sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids). To counteract all that, an East Village "water cafe" called Molecule is now open for business!

According to its website, Molecule sells filtered NYC tap water in a variety of sizes—if you bring your own container you can fill up a gallon for $3, or get a 16 ounce to-go cup for $2.50. But that's just your basic option—for an extra dollar, you can splurge on extras like Vitamin A, Electrolytes, Calcium and Magnesium. And for an extra two bucks, you can try one of Molecule's special blends, like the "Molecule Hair, Skin and Nails," made with "Plant extracts, minerals, and vitamins combine to help your outer layer look smooth and strong." It's got horsetail!

The cafe uses a $25,000 filtration system that deploys ultraviolet rays, ozone treatments and, the Wall Street Journal reports, "reverse osmosis in a seven-stage processing treatment to create what they call pure H20." The result, we imagine, is like drinking liquid sunshine ambrosia rainbows sourced from the purest Himalayan sherpa tear ducts. Or, as co-owner Adam Ruhf says, "It's subtle, but if you have a sensitive palate you can totally tell" the difference. He describes his beverage as "fluffy" with a "smooth" finish.

Given that this is the East Village in 2012, we expect to see long Soup Nazi-esque lines out the door during peak hydration times. Of course, not everyone is queuing up; curmudgeonly NY Post columnist Steve Cuzzo calls the water "pure nonsense," asking his readers, "Who’d waste money on Molecule? Those who belong to the High Holy Church of Culinary Rectitude. They’re the ones who blog and bitch that everything we consume is part of a plot to poison us and lay waste to the environment. Even without a molecule of truth." Amen, Steve! A toast, to flouridation!