The Cronut™ has inspired slavish devotion and flowery verse, but yesterday's self-aggrandizing, maudlin press release on the bakery's re-opening after a "severe mouse infestation"—and the accompanying Instagram photo from Dominique Ansel Bakery on today's special "Rocky Cronut"—awakened our appetite for the Truth. Join us, as we do what we do for a living, and "fact check" the playful statements of a celebrity chef who sells gimmicks to tourists.

"In the past year, we have woken up daily knowing that our success has made us vulnerable to more malicious attacks than any small, one-stop business should ever have to suffer."

Here, Ansel characterizes the dissemination of a video showing a mouse in his kitchen as "malicious," thereby insisting that those who propagate it "intend to do harm."

Would he call an employee who tells him that they spotted a mouse in the kitchen "malicious?" If Ansel and the DOH were both unaware of any prior rodent problem, shouldn't the chef be grateful that he isn't currently exposing his staff and customers to blatantly unsanitary conditions? (While giving the bakery an A rating, the DOH stated in October that there was "evidence of live mice.")

The long line outside his bakery this morning suggests that little harm has been done to his business's reputation, but urine and feces from rodents can inflict considerable harm on human beings.

"We refuse to believe that we live in a world where success turns people into targets of spite and contempt."

Maybe it's because Ansel's bakery is perpetually mobbed by the uncorrupted smiles fresh from the TKTS booth who just want a taste of Unique New York (this man has the legal rights to the word Cronut™!), but yes, we live in that world. A world where people pay criminally high amounts of money to simply exist, where commuting to work is an existential struggle, a world where somehow there are too many people but not enough must-have pastries, and a world where somehow this is all acceptable.

"Success" itself does not engender scorn, but relentless self-promotion sure does. Self-promotion and over saturation enabled by the very same media outlets that now make "cruel and sensationalized attacks."

"Rocky Cronut. Rocky Balboa: let me tell you something you already know:the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. Its a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.You,me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

If you're wondering when Rocky Balboa said this in the 1976 classic, he didn't. This is from the 2006 abomination (and we know abominations) Rocky Balboa.

Here's a novel Cronut™ Concept: Self-effacement.

You sell $5 portmanteaus. I blog about rats on the subway. Occasionally our actions transcend the clumsy, naked truths of our lives, and we create something beautiful. But there's nothing sublime or sympathetic about a gold foil pastry with a persecution complex.

See you at the ExtraMooga tent.