Jesus Christ, GQ, just shut up already. Last week you declared Brooklyn "The Coolest City On The Planet" and name-checked a whole bunch of restaurants that waterfront trust-funders take their parents to when they're visiting from Westchester. Now—though we hoped against hope that they wouldn't—the magazine has released their "Nightlife" follow-up, in a bold bid to ruin the institution that Brooklynites hold dearest: drinking.

"Brooklyn is the Coolest City on the Planet: A Nightlife Guide" features a whole slew of bars and clubs, approximately 85 percent of which are in Williamsburg. It might as well read: "The Square's Guide To Witnessing Hipsters In Their Natural Habitat." There's even a section for "Hipster Bowling!" Behold, plaid-clad biker boys and suggestively tattooed pixie girls downing PBRs and sliders at The Commodore, then dance the night away at The Gutter. Looking for something a bit more refined? Drink an "adventurous" cocktail containing honey AND sea salt at Maison Premiere! It's crazy! You're crazy! Then go find the next Vampire Weekend at Glasslands!

As for the rest of Brooklyn, you apparently don't exist, and are therefore safe. Williamsburgers, you can continue to hang out at Union Pool, The Woods, and No Name Bar, at least until 2015, when Esquire discovers the L train.