Let's cut right to the chase: Dominique Ansel, God of Cronuts and the 1,000 lesser pastries that followed, has forged from his gimmicky lair something so utterly inane that it will of course be snapped up by the hoarding masses in no time: A cronut necklace. Ew?
Similar in spirit to the vials of blood that once hung from the respective necks of Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, the cronut necklace is "a handcrafted capsule pendant containing brass Cronut™ flakes (cast from actual pastries)." Perfect for those obsessed with months-old memes, or anyone who really likes the idea of capsule necklaces but isn't quite so invested in their partner that they're willing to offer up their own plasma. Here's a bit of explanatory drivel from Virgin Mega, who inexplicably partnered with Ansel to create this...thing.
Designed by acclaimed jewelry designer, Gabriel Urist, the beautiful Cronut™ capsule necklace is a lifelong memento of the ephemeral ecstasy that comes from eating a cherry blossom ganache with sour cherry jam and citrus sugar Cronut™ without standing in line.
The thing is, it's not "beautiful." The cronut shard looks like a piece of crumpled up gold foil, which it probably is, because who is ever going to go to the trouble cracking that baby open and testing it? And God help he who tries to chew on it, because you know someone will. It's brass, you daft guttersnipe.
A hundred bucks will get you one of these, plus two "Cherry-Cherry flavored Cronut™ pastries." If you want one (no), you'll have to download the Virgin Mega app to get it, and then tweet vigorously using emetic hashtags like "#CronutIsForever" and "'CauseCronuttyLovesMe," etc. ad infinitum.
Mercifully, only 100 "gift sets" will be available. The virtual line opens at 3 p.m. on Wednesday.