A reader passed along this photo of an NYPD squad car parked at the Dunkin Donuts near Coney Island Ave and 18th Ave in Brooklyn, and notes that if he did the same thing, "I'd be liable for (and deserve) a couple hundred bucks in tickets." Yet this reader clearly knows little about Acute Pastry Palsy, or APP, an affliction that effects untold masses of Americans, as evidenced by the 6,700 Dunkin Donuts Outpatient Clinics across the country.

When in the throes of APP, the patient loses control of their arms and legs, as their brain determines the fastest possible route to satisfaction. Consciousness is momentarily terminated until the taste of a Bear Claw (or a similar nostrum) revives them. "One minute I'm driving the kids to soccer practice," an anonymous APP sufferer tells us, "the next thing I know I'm naked at a bus stop with powdered sugar caked in my eyes and using a Munchkin box as a pillow. Most of the time I used Coolatta Cups as shoes to get home. And that was before I lost custody."

We can all help folks battle APP by keeping parking spaces, especially handicapped spaces, wide open next to all Dunkin Donuts. But quelling the urge for "better ingredients, better pizza" is hopeless.