As you walked from the subway to the office this morning, did you hear the refreshing sound of pints being poured and bottles being cracked open at every bar and bodega you passed by? Did you think, "Later, I will sit on that barstool and order a pint, and then another, and then another, because beer was invented to cure this summertime heat that ales me"? You have fallen victim to Big Beer's Sirens, who are just waiting to lure you into their dehydrating sea of lager.
According to Department of Health commissioner Mary Bassett, the only thing you should be drinking in this kind of heat is water. At the Office of Emergency Management in Brooklyn this morning, she declared, "Avoid alcohol, caffeine. Water is the best beverage for staying hydrated. Beer is not."
Maybe this is why de Blasio has gone silent on the important stoop drinking issue.
The Mayor did echo Bassett's sentiment at the press conference, which was focused on the extreme heat the city is currently dealing with, adding, "Drink plenty of water. It’s the most fundamental message. Our mothers told us this many times over—it is true in these circumstances. The body needs a lot of water to stay cool. Keep drinking water, even if you don’t feel particularly thirsty. Just stay very, very hydrated."
Surely, an ice-cold shower beer would be okay, right? Nope. A cold shower "may put too much of a stress on your system. But a lukewarm shower that you’re not terrified to step into" is okay.
On top of beer and cold shower beers, you also shouldn't drink caffeine, wine, gin, vodka, whiskey, refreshing frozen cocktails, Pimm's Cups, that Fireball in your desk drawer, shandies, Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers, Zima, Night Train, Smirnoff Ice, your boss's secret stash of Johnnie Walker Black, Aviation cocktails, anything from a scorpion bowl, or that can of Scotch aging nicely on your desk.*