First, he came for our prescription drugs, but we said nothing. Then, he went for our Prospect Park West bike lanes, but we were still pretty zonked out from the prescription drugs. Now, Chuck Schumer wants to regulate how much arsenic is in our apple juice. This is where we draw the line: it's not a tall glass of apple juice unless we're convulsing with joy!

TV's answer to Web MD, Dr. Mehmet Oz, ran a segment entitled "Things To Fear in Your Food" (fat?) that noted that there was arsenic in apple juice, claiming that his tests found high levels of arsenic in "some of the nation's best known brands of apple juice." But because he's a doctor AND he plays one on TV, the FDA says Dr. Oz's tests were flawed and that he went overboard on the fearmongering. In a letter that uses the same tactic as some of our commenters, the FDA tells Dr. Oz, "We have advised you that the test for total arsenic DOES NOT distinguish inorganic arsenic from organic arsenic." Arsenic occurs naturally in some foods, and only certain levels of inorganic arsenic is harmful.

But this hasn't stopped daytime TV aficionado Senator Charles Schumer from proposing legislation that would "set the first maximum standard for arsenic in apple juice." We can't think of any other issue that's more important right now! Next item on the agenda: banning sushi that you enjoy in the company of the KGB.