The Brazilian private investment firm 3G Capital, which bought Burger King three years ago, has unveiled what it deems "the most satisfying QSR innovation in decades." Mmm, QSR. America, open wide for some "Satisfries," the 270 calorie alternative to Burger King's regular fries, which have 340 calories in a small portion. That's a saving of 70 calories, which if you're doing Deal-A-Meal, frees you up to take another tiny bite out of that ANGRY WHOPPER® Sandwich.

Satisfries are, according to Burger King's website, "a new great tasting crinkle-cut french fries with 40% less fat and 30% fewer calories." But aside from their exotic crinkle-cut shape, Satisfries are made the same way as Burger King's regular fries, they just use a new batter that doesn't absorb as much oil. And they're so much fun to say! Satisfries satisfries SATISFRIES!

But will American consumers be satisfried with the very European-looking menu item? 3G Capital seems confident enough—the suggested price for a small order of Satisfries is $1.89, compared with $1.59 for regular fries. As the AP points out, that's a 19% markup. But you just can't put a price on QSR satisfraction.


To promote the radical frinnovation, last week oversized French fry "pods" with inedible 8 foot crinkle-cut French fries were installed in high traffic areas in New York City and elsewhere, and consumers were "encouraged to interact with the French fries and take pictures to post on social media using the hashtag #WTFF." ("What The French Fry") They weren't edible, but who actually eats food these day? It's all just for Instagram.

The biggest revelation to emerge from this story, however, is that there are some poor benighted souls way out in the provinces who haven't yet tasted the sweet, sweet nectar of a kale smoothie, the libation we can't get enough of here in Panem's Capital. Eric Hirschhorn, chief marketing officer for Burger King, tells the Times, "You live in Manhattan and might be having a kale smoothie on your way to work this morning. But a lot of people don’t even know what kale is, and if they do, they don’t want to eat it. You have to give people what they want."

We don't even want to know what kind of animal doesn't enjoy a kale smoothie. We'll give these Satisfries a shot, but we're going to be pretty frangrifried if Burger King starts messing with their Blazin' Buttermilk Ramp Biscuits®.