Forget the 46.2 million Americans who are living in poverty—when one of our nation's precious "job creators" is hurt, a bald eagle commits suicide. Billionaire Gristedes owner and relative to Dick Nixon by marriage John Catsimatidis may have to close the supermarket chain if the company can't afford to pay a $3.5 million settlement to 300 employees for back wages and overtime. "Gristedes is suffering," he tells the Post, citing a "squeeze play" by his vendors after rival Food Emporium declared bankruptcy last year. A "squeeze play" is also the technique for testing the ripeness of Gristedes produce, which involves gripping it tightly, pressing it to your face for a deep inhale, then placing it back amongst its brethren. (This technique is also an effective "negotiating" tactic when dealing with money-grubbing employees.)

"Our banks have given us some relief," Catsimatidis says, but they need more help to pay down the remaining $2 million that is owed. By comparison, his daughter's wedding to Richard Nixon's grandson cost him $1 million, which he controversially paid for with 500,000 bags of slimy baby carrots. If he didn't own Gristedes, Catsimatidis said, "My life would be better. I'd live ten years longer." Do those greedy laborers have any shame? How is Catsimatidis supposed to buy the mayor's officerun for mayor if he's a broken man?