Wish the liquids you consumed tasted more like flesh? Bone Luging too bourgeois? Tired of heating up coathangers and jamming them into Slim Jims to make your own meat straws? Well Benny's Bloody Mary Beef Straws are here to take the phrase "liquid brunch" to a whole new level. "Would I like to order food? No thanks! This moist tube of beef will have me sated as soon as I work up the nerve to bite down on its unnervingly perfect casing."

Bon Appétit (we read it for the articles, ok?) notes that the makers of the beef straws "worked with a mechanical engineer and local machine fabricator to design and produce a custom beef straw maker." Bet that's not terrifying to watch! 100 straws are a little over $100 with shipping, but don't look at is as an expenditure. This is actually a cost-effective way to unload some of that excess dignity you've been lugging around.