A few times every century, there is a world-changing event so momentous, it gets dubbed the "shot heard round the world." First, there was the shot heard round the world at the start of the American Revolution in the late 18th century. Then there was the shot heard round the world with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. And then today, we had another shot heard round the world—only this time, it was the Tweet tweet-quoted round the (insular) world (of Twitter):

Slicing. Up. Bagels... like it's any old Rye Bread?! Who knew that such darkness lurked within the hearts of humans (or at least, humans who live in St. Louis). The already-legendary tweet has divided the Internet into four distinct categories, which I shall document below:

1. This is a crime and should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law

2. This is, more specifically, totally meshugganah

3. What can we say, St. Louis is a very silly place!

4. Actually, this is a brilliant lifehack, don't knock it 'til you try it

In case it wasn't clear where I stood on this, I find this to be an absolute abomination that completely misunderstands and distorts the distinct pleasure derived from the holy shape of the bagel, God's most favorite source of carbs. Can you imagine cutting the wheel up and still trying to use it on your horse-and-buggy? Of course not, that's absurd! And cutting up a bagel into slices like it's a stale loaf is equally absurd. It's a waste of a beautiful form.

Then again, as someone who also thinks Pizza Bagels are a legitimate source of nutrition, I am open to other opinions. But most of my coworkers found these sliced-up bagels deeply troubling as well. "These are not adult-sized portions. We aren't toddlers at a party," said Elizabeth Kim, who called the bagels "cringeworthy."

"Well I think the image above is Cursed, but if you had, say, a bunch of different cream cheeses and you wanted to sample a lot of them, I could see a case for this technique," reasoned Paula Mejia. "Otherwise why mess with the classic two halves?"

Claire Lampen, who actually is from St. Louis, brought some much-needed perspective to the argument. Her mother, Paula Lampen, recalled that the St. Louis Bread Co. (a.k.a. Panera Box, which henceforth shall be known as the infamous place where the sliced bagels in the original tweet are from) were doing this back in the '90s as a way of putting samples out for customers so you could try before you bought. "The slicing style was efficient" for sampling, she explained. Lampen, who still lives in St. Louis, hasn't seen this style used anywhere else in St. Louis anytime recently however.

This line of inquiry got Claire to probe her own mind for buried memories of bagel-related childhood trauma. She used to eat a lot of bagel chips (not bagels sliced up, but crispy chips like the ones you can get at Trader Joe's) in her childhood as a snack, and wondered whether their predominance in the region marked them as a local delicacy: "If that was not a national phenomenon, maybe the issue here is that St. Louis doesn't understand bagels unless they are chips. Maybe we just love chips, and we can only appreciate bread products through the lens of chips."

As might be expected from someone who grew up amidst such warped views on bagels, Claire does think people should give the sliced-up bagel a try before relegating it to the waste basket of historically bad ideas. But even Panera Bread isn't sure about the franchise's decision though:

I suppose, as with most things, it could be worse: