A few times every century, there is a world-changing event so momentous, it gets dubbed the "shot heard round the world." First, there was the shot heard round the world at the start of the American Revolution in the late 18th century. Then there was the shot heard round the world with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. And then today, we had another shot heard round the world—only this time, it was the Tweet tweet-quoted round the (insular) world (of Twitter):
Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit! pic.twitter.com/XNGbljtpYz
— Alek Krautmann (@AlekKrautmann) March 26, 2019
Slicing. Up. Bagels... like it's any old Rye Bread?! Who knew that such darkness lurked within the hearts of humans (or at least, humans who live in St. Louis). The already-legendary tweet has divided the Internet into four distinct categories, which I shall document below:
1. This is a crime and should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law
I believe this is a Class A felony in New York City. And if its not, it should be. https://t.co/ngbbPFvnya
— Justin Brannan (@JustinBrannan) March 27, 2019
Bagel take pic.twitter.com/R0eknUP5M7
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) March 27, 2019
"911, what is your emergency?"
"I'd like to report murders."
"Yes. Like a dozen of them." https://t.co/D1aZC75erp
— Greg Wyshynski (@wyshynski) March 27, 2019
You should go to jail for 5-10 years if you cut a bagel like this. https://t.co/bR6ca87bU3
— Jimmy Traina (@JimmyTraina) March 27, 2019
I feel like we, as a nation, should all lay down our idealogical weapons and unite behind how terrible this is. 🤪 https://t.co/t2uZoiWkrJ
— Jennifer Mendelsohn 🇺🇸 (@CleverTitleTK) March 27, 2019
fairly confident this display would get one chased out of a new york office by a mob wielding plastic cutlery and menacingly snapping west side story style https://t.co/iVJxP062zX
— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) March 27, 2019
This doesn't look right.....🧐🧐 https://t.co/luALUJDYjt
— Katie Couric (@katiecouric) March 27, 2019
2. This is, more specifically, totally meshugganah
wtf is "bagels bread," what have you done to my beautiful Jewish food? https://t.co/SU2faOQNGb
— Leor Galil (@imLeor) March 27, 2019
This is deeply upsetting to my people. https://t.co/AXWdJOovFk
— marisa kabas (@MarisaKabas) March 27, 2019
This photo is antisemitism. https://t.co/8BK8JdZiRW
— Jonathan "Boo and Vote" Cohn (@JonathanCohn) March 27, 2019
This is a shonda.
Not only does that German family with former Nazi ties own Einstein and its awful bagels, but they also own a stake in Panera, which allowed this to happen. https://t.co/TBk5EoNQSZ
— Amy Spitalnick (@amyspitalnick) March 27, 2019
This is a violation of all that is good and holy in this world. https://t.co/0s7rqbA925
— Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg (@TheRaDR) March 27, 2019
3. What can we say, St. Louis is a very silly place!
What the hell is happening in St. Louis? https://t.co/iyvuEbULMD
— Alex Fitzpatrick (@AlexJamesFitz) March 27, 2019
not everyone from st. louis is a satanist, fyi https://t.co/OOoi4crlTS
— hannah gais (@hannahgais) March 27, 2019
I went to St. Louis once and I don't remember it being a dystopian nightmare? https://t.co/AxLXRZJ2fk
— Jessy! Jessi! Jessé! (@JesseThorn) March 27, 2019
sometimes it's way too easy to clown on st. louis https://t.co/TXDWThqcj3
— josh terry (@JoshhTerry) March 27, 2019
Almost as bad as the St. Louis secret of getting bagels at Panera. https://t.co/6O8fsGrgm0
— ian karmel (@IanKarmel) March 27, 2019
OMG St. Louis, you're doing it wrong. 🤯 https://t.co/MFUMvJ6Ika
— NJ.com (@njdotcom) March 27, 2019
I don't think I'll ever understand how bad St. Louis is at all things food. https://t.co/cwhu8mNbIX
— Danny Barry (@TheDannyBarry) March 27, 2019
sell st. louis back to france https://t.co/DTDYNRd8eJ
— Walter Hickey (@WaltHickey) March 27, 2019
4. Actually, this is a brilliant lifehack, don't knock it 'til you try it
That anyone would treat this as anything OTHER than a genius bagel hack just shows how averse we are to change, even when it's dope (and yes, blueberry bagels are a sacrilege) https://t.co/Lr3OjX4xRN
— Willa Paskin (@willapaskin) March 27, 2019
im just gonna say it
this is a good idea.
do not @ me or ill call the cops
they wont show up but my seriousbess will be illustrated https://t.co/xqHZtZ84iF
— tracy the emotional support penguin (@brokeymcpoverty) March 27, 2019
im not that offended by the bagels sliced like bread. it's just still a bagel. it's a bagel cut up. i would look at it, and eat it, with the same amount of consideration and thought as a classically cut bagel. thank you soooooo much
— three jeans (@moongrudge) March 27, 2019
Ideal for eating with Cracker Barrel cracker cuts. We see no problem here, St. Louis 👀 https://t.co/KvHEfL7yox
— CrackerBarrelCheese (@CBCheeses) March 27, 2019
This man is a genius. It solves both bagel problems: 1)weird puffiness 2)insufficient surface area. I'm changed. https://t.co/aczTitOK6R
— Sam Sanders (@DreamSong77) March 27, 2019
In case it wasn't clear where I stood on this, I find this to be an absolute abomination that completely misunderstands and distorts the distinct pleasure derived from the holy shape of the bagel, God's most favorite source of carbs. Can you imagine cutting the wheel up and still trying to use it on your horse-and-buggy? Of course not, that's absurd! And cutting up a bagel into slices like it's a stale loaf is equally absurd. It's a waste of a beautiful form.
— Dictionary.com (@Dictionarycom) March 27, 2019
speaking of bagels is it a real bagel if the bagel is so swole there is no actual center hole
— darth™ (@darth) March 27, 2019
Then again, as someone who also thinks Pizza Bagels are a legitimate source of nutrition, I am open to other opinions. But most of my coworkers found these sliced-up bagels deeply troubling as well. "These are not adult-sized portions. We aren't toddlers at a party," said Elizabeth Kim, who called the bagels "cringeworthy."
"Well I think the image above is Cursed, but if you had, say, a bunch of different cream cheeses and you wanted to sample a lot of them, I could see a case for this technique," reasoned Paula Mejia. "Otherwise why mess with the classic two halves?"
Claire Lampen, who actually is from St. Louis, brought some much-needed perspective to the argument. Her mother, Paula Lampen, recalled that the St. Louis Bread Co. (a.k.a. Panera Box, which henceforth shall be known as the infamous place where the sliced bagels in the original tweet are from) were doing this back in the '90s as a way of putting samples out for customers so you could try before you bought. "The slicing style was efficient" for sampling, she explained. Lampen, who still lives in St. Louis, hasn't seen this style used anywhere else in St. Louis anytime recently however.
This line of inquiry got Claire to probe her own mind for buried memories of bagel-related childhood trauma. She used to eat a lot of bagel chips (not bagels sliced up, but crispy chips like the ones you can get at Trader Joe's) in her childhood as a snack, and wondered whether their predominance in the region marked them as a local delicacy: "If that was not a national phenomenon, maybe the issue here is that St. Louis doesn't understand bagels unless they are chips. Maybe we just love chips, and we can only appreciate bread products through the lens of chips."
As might be expected from someone who grew up amidst such warped views on bagels, Claire does think people should give the sliced-up bagel a try before relegating it to the waste basket of historically bad ideas. But even Panera Bread isn't sure about the franchise's decision though:
Our team is divided over here. Do other people slice their bagel Bread Co style? https://t.co/NbdZjj6G6C
— Panera Bread (@panerabread) March 27, 2019
I suppose, as with most things, it could be worse:
How to properly cut a bagel you n00bs pic.twitter.com/3Br6wBlMA0
— deanspin (@war_loser24) March 27, 2019