See, this is what happens when you try to eat healthy. An unpleasant stomach bug plowing its way through the states, leaving in its wake victims crippled by chills, fever and explosive diarrhea, has finally been traced back to a culprit: Pre-packaged salad mixes.

According to the CDC, at least 378 people in 15 states—New York included!—have been diagnosed with cyclosporiasis, putting at least 21 in the hospital and leaving the remaining 357 curled upon the floors of their bathrooms, wishing for the sweet sleep of death and ruing the day they ever laid eyes on the Premium Bacon Ranch Salad With Grilled Chicken.

Unhelpfully, no brand name information has been released. Furthermore, Iowa and Nebraska are the only states to have officially attributed the illness to the prepackaged mixes, so it's possible that there is more than one culprit. Our advice is simply to avoid fresh vegetables altogether until we get to the bottom of this.