Things that are bad:

Things you'll find at the forthcoming "house of cocktails" backed by Adrian Grenier on Third Ave between 12th and 13th Streets:

  • All of the above.

The tri-level space that houses Nevada Smiths, which was seized by the City Marshal last year, is about to reopen as The VNYL, a collaboration between The Late Late bar owner James Morrissey and Grenier. DNAinfo got some details and ::whistles:: hoo boy there's a lot to unpack here.

Starting with schtick: "a residence from the 1970s" complete with a record store, a "Black Rose Room," a "Champagne Garden" complete with indoor rope swing, and a "gentlemen's lounge," ya know, just for the dudez. As we all know, you have to be a man to enjoy things like whiskey and draft beer. They're also going to have something called "sports" on "TVs," too, but as I am not a man, I don't know what these words mean. These complicated concepts have to be written in pink for my dainty female brain to comprehend.

I'm still not entirely sure the "California-esque" dishes being touted aren't a joke. "Candied Bacon Quinoa Sushi with avocado creme" sounds like what a menu generator might spit out if it could only populate using hackneyed food trends from the last decade. For some contemporary flair: a Salmon Poke Bowl.

A photo posted by The VNYL (@thevnyl) on

David Bowie's Aladdin Sane album cover is one of the most iconic in rock—nay, in music. Subtle tributes to the late legend are great. Emblazoning his symbol onto the face of a supermodel to promote your business feels exploitative. It hasn't even been a year yet; we're still healing, and probably will be for the foreseeable future. Just don't.

The term mixologist gets thrown around a lot, usually as a nickname for an unbearably serious bartender (with some exceptions). At The VNYL, there'll be no escape at the mezzanine level, where, confusingly, bottle service comes with someone to mix drinks for the group. It's been years since I set foot in a place boasting this kind of service, but isn't the point that you get to make your own drink and drain the bottle of overpriced Grey Goose before someone else in your party?

Anyway, this thing is opening on September 9th and sounds worse than Nevada Smiths, which is truly an accomplishment. If you need more convincing, look at the supermodel and nipple-strewn Instagram. Congrats, Vince.