Now that we can all agree it's A.C. weather (at least for today; the inter-office bickering will resume in earnest tomorrow), it's time again to discuss the expansive curative powers of iced coffee.
Last summer, we learned that iced coffee is so expensive because of the price of ice, the price of cups, the price of coffee, the price of real estate, the S&P 500 and the present mood of David Koch's thyroid. It was revelatory.
Having acknowledged and accepted that we're willing to mortgage our homes for just a thimble of Summer's Crack Juice, as I call it, it's time to determine Which Iced Coffee Is Right For You. Let's investigate.
Cold brewed: Cold brewed ice coffee is the Aston Martin of iced coffees. It's expensive as all hell, and when you slither sweatily into the uppity cafe of your choice and beg for one at 4 p.m., it's often the case that they're out. "How can you be out of coffee?" you rasp, your mouth parched and full of sand. Because cold brewed iced coffee needs to steep in a bitchy-ass French press or toddy overnight, meaning there's a finite amount of it and you can't just slap together more once the supply is cashed. It's basic supply and demand. If you're sick of paying $5 for a non-alcoholic beverage crafted for you by a man bun in ankle pants, you can always do it yourself.
Pour-over iced coffee: What it sounds like. Pour-over is made by filtering and brewing the coffee directly over ice. The hot coffee will melt the ice, which will ideally "contribute to the total water volume without weakening the coffee," while also trapping "some aromatics that other iced coffee processes don't."
Jed Baxter, whose job it is to monitor the quality of the coffee at Brooklyn Roasting Company, tells me this is his preferred method of making iced coffee. "It tastes more like coffee than cold brew," he said, arguing that the latter tends to be somewhat bitter.
Prison iced coffee: The only iced coffee about which I truly possess any expertise. *Cracks knuckles, cracks neck, checks mirror for flyaway hairs.*
STEP 1: Boil some water, or heat some water in the microwave or leave a cup full of water in the sun for awhile and hope no one pees in it.
STEP 2: Dump some instant coffee into your now-warm water. I don't care how much.
STEP 3: Stir, or not.
STEP 4: Open freezer. Use an ice pick or your longest coke-pinky to scrape some ice from the freezer's edges. If your freezer has no ice, you can use a package of peas or some hot dogs. Whatever's in there!
STEP 5: Place the ice/peas/hot dogs in your instant coffee.
STEP 6: Carelessly slap the coffee all over your brand new MacBook keyboard.
STEP 7: Repeat.
Nitro cold brew: Fuck you.