GOOD MORNING! Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to shout. I can see now from your red-rimmed eyes, disheveled hair and overall pallor that you probably rang in the New Year with too much champagne followed by several ill-advised shots of Fireball because, "Fuck it, I don't have to work tomorrow!"
Well, since I do have to work and because I've been in your shoes before, I'm going to help you cure—or at least alleviate—some of the misery you're experiencing at the moment. I can't take away the shame of that dance floor makeout, but I can help you get the taste out of your mouth at least.
If you can't get the IV hookup, here are some suggestions for getting back into fighting shape (to drink more).
Technically, you should have been doing this before, ideally while you were guzzling Korbel straight from the bottle. But it's equally important now when your body is parched and hating you. Good old fashioned water is important, but as any high school athlete remembers, you'll need to replenish those electrolytes as well. Reach for the sports drinks if you dare, but it's really just brightly-colored, sweetened sugar water. You can make your own with fresh ingredients or pick up a carton of no sugar added coconut water like Zico.
If you can, take an anti-inflammatory like Advil or Aleve to reduce the head pounding. Sometimes I'll set my alarm early, throw back a few pain killers, chug a glass of water and take another nap until I can see straight again. Just stay away from anything containing acetaminophen (aka Tylenol) if you want to prolong the life of your liver. Also awesome: Alka-Seltzer. I don't think there's anything that shit can't cure.
(Navid Baraty/Gothamist)Ginger Up If you're like me, terrible nausea is but one terrible side effect of TMA (Too Much Alcohol). I have been reaching for the ginger ale for an upset stomach since I was a kid, but as an adult, I absolutely must have several bottles of Bruce Cost Ginger Ale on hand—you know, those bottles with all the detritus floating around in them. They look funky, but they are hands down the best thing for curing stomach pains. Eat A Banana Or something else rich in potassium. It's tempting to go straight for the greasy, cheesy, stomach-coating crap, but think about how that makes you feel on a regular day. Plus, your body has been depleted of this vital nutrient, meaning it's going to feel better the faster you replenish. Things like orange juice and yogurt that you probably already have in your fridge are an easy fix. Or whip up—or order in—some guacamole; one cup of avocado boasts over 700 milligrams of potassium. Get Moving You should be feeling slightly more human after all that hydration and pharmaceutical intervention so it's time to get your blood flowing. Working out with a hangover sounds like the worst thing ever, but it's surprisingly effective at helping to push your body past its baseline of Vertical On The Couch. I'm not a scientist, a trainer, a doctor or a fitness buff...but I know that a light workout—think lifting moderate weights, going for a little walk or jog, doing 20 minutes of yoga—has always made me feel better. Smoke Pot Getting into the scientific benefits of THC would be boring so let's just stick to the end results of getting a little high. It kills nausea, boosts appetite, distracts from headaches and makes you really, really fascinated by adult cartoons and less focused on how crappy you feel. Keep DrinkingFuck it. You don't have to work today, right?