A 21st century woman so fiercely determined to entrap her boyfriend in eternal matrimony that she publicly shamed him into proposing using several hundred sandwich recipes has finally achieved her life's most important goal. Congratulations on your engagement, 300 Sandwiches Lady! Sub-congratulations on successfully undoing years of hard-won feminism using only a WordPress account and bread!
"Words cannot express how extraordinarily happy I am," Post reporter Stephanie Smith wrote on her now infamous blog today. "Not because I have a engagement ring, but because I’m going to spend the rest of my life having ridiculously amazing adventures with my soul mate." Question: What sort of baguette is best for committing Seppuku?
Smith was not, in fact, forced to craft 300 sandwiches before the proposal of her dreams/threats was realized—sensing that he was under the bread knife, her boyfriend "E" popped the question just after Sandwich 257, amid thinly concealed intimidation tactics casually woven into entries about kite surfing:
But there’s one thing he doesn’t do: surprises. People keep asking if we’re getting married here. “No,” E told me. Okay, so no surprise wedding here. And I doubt there’s an engagement ring tucked inside his sandy kitesurfing bag packed with kites, ropes, board shorts and sunscreen. My parents still hold out hope he’ll surprise me with a ring this week. I think he’s concentrating more on the wind than on a proposal.
"Oh, no pressure, E, frail mother and throat cancer-addled father probably still have another few months in them before they shuffle loose the mortal coil, their only wish being to see a rock on my finger before they suck in their final breaths," croons the entry's subtext.
E is either a little dumb or desperate to get the fuck out of this relationship, because he somehow missed the warning after Sandwich #254, literally called the "'Everybody’s Doing It' Pulled Pork Gyros with Red Cabbage, Roasted Tomatoes and Cilantro," in which Smith admits she had "one of those 'everyone is engaged but me' moments yesterday."
I swore I would not put pressure on E to propose. But after 254 sandwiches, I wondered how much longer would I have to hold out for an engagement. Even George Freaking Clooney put a ring on the finger of that hot international lawyer he’s been dating FOR ONLY SIX MONTHS. She must have made him one hell of a sandwich.
Smith's voice, even in writing, has elevated to a pitch that only artisanal hot dogs pressed carefully into a pretzel roll (SANDWICH 193 HAHAHA) could hear:
It makes me sad to even think I was jealous of them, and sad to think E is reading this and thinking he’s making me sad because he hasn’t popped the question yet (I have a knot in my throat typing this). I don’t want him to think he better propose or else I’ll be unhappy. But I think I gave him that impression.
I just did the absolute worst thing a girlfriend could do: I made him feel guilty about proposing.
If only her feelings of guilt were powerful enough to stop her from publishing it. I take it back, though. Smith is not anti-feminist. She is the grand empress of leveraging power to her advantage, which makes her manipulative, sociopathic and possibly evil. But it also makes her a genius.
Ousted Times executive editor Jill Abramson was characterized as "pushy"—a term designated almost exclusively for women who dare to throw their weight around in a way that's threatening to men—in addition to the fact that she was found to make significantly less than her male predecessor. As long as women still experience such galling degrees of marginalization, why not use the tools at their disposal to get what they want? And so, Smith did.
As for you, E: Your Sandwich Prison will be small, and it will only grow smaller with time. Chew carefully.