Here at Gothamist HQ, we have a sworn duty to bring you only the most unbiased, up-to-the-minute coverage on important news, arts and food stories around NYC. To that end, we take our journalistic responsibilities on gossiptainment news very seriously. We've heard your cries: what's up with Jay Z and Beyonce? Like, what's up with that whole thing? Below, we've tried to answer all your burning questions as accurately and seriously as an important story like this warrants.
What is a Jay Z? A Jay Z is a multimillionaire rapper/businessman/entrepreneur/Duracell aficionado/watch endorser/cologne salesman who apparently is also a control freak who can't stop controlling Beyonce because he needs control, probably because Beyonce is so uncontrollable, like a wild stallion with the vocal chops of a siren.
What is a Beyonce? A Beyonce is a Queen who was gifted onto the Twitter/Tumblrverse by a benign Goddess who wanted to reward human beings for not annihilating each other with nuclear weapons throughout the 20th century (things were looking pretty, pretty hairy there for a few decades). Or, Beyonce was concocted in a laboratory by a mad scientist who was hellbent on creating the world's most flawless living gif. Or, she is a woman from Houston, Texas, born, raised and marketed by a controlling father and would-be mogul who expected "flawlessness" at all times, only to break away from him and marry an equally controlling real-life mogul. Or she is a savvy businesswoman with a breathtaking voice and a creepy obsession with filming her every waking minute. Most likely, she's some amalgamation of all of those.
Is this "explainer" just another excuse to draw triangles on photos and claim everything is an Illuminati conspiracy? You're sounding very paranoid right now.
Are Beyonce and Jay-Z still married? Marriage, like a hog covered in butter who has stayed up for the last week doing speed with the ghost of Lou Reed, is a hard thing to pin down. Also: marriage, like the Bacon Industrial Complex, is very secretive about its inner workings.
Sigh. Are Beyonce and Jay Z still legally married? As far as we know, yes.
Why might Beyonce and Jay Z be getting divorced? We'd rather not speculate on matters of the heart, but if heartburn is often caused by too much fried food, then you might call "sleeping with Rihanna on the side" the ultimate fried food (that was an accusation Solange allegedly lobbed at Jay Z).
Also, Jay Z is very controlling indeed, per the Post's inside source/s: "The source said that one of the problems in the marriage is Jay Z’s controlling nature and that, even now, the rap impresario won’t back off."
Will they still be legally married by the end of their joint "On The Run" tour? Also according to the Post's inner source/s, they could be divorced by the time I finish writing this sentence. "This may not make it to San Francisco," their source said. "I’m definitely not sure that they’ll make it to Paris." Of course, when hundreds of millions of dollars are on the line, we wouldn't be shocked if they found a way to work things out for a little while longer.
Should we be preparing ourselves for an ugly public divorce? Probably not—despite the fact that you can see their faces on a million advertisements and billboards and hear their voices in songs, TV shows, movies, etc, Jay Z and Beyonce are both incredibly private human beings who are obsessive-compulsive about managing their public image. You might even say they are, I don't know, controlling about it.
So if they really are on that long and winding road to divorce, we'd expect most of the ugly stuff to be handled behind-the-scenes. Case in point: "There are lawyers that have now joined the tour, and they’re not here just to see them perform. They are here to help hash things out," the source told the Post. If we're lucky, maybe they'll throw a celebratory divorce party (like Jack White, that other paragon of divorced bliss) because that'd be pretty flawless, don't you think?
How does the NY Post know so much about the inner workings of their marriage? Great question! Someone, probably from the Beyonce/Jay Z inner circle, has been feeding them insider gossip. Vulture theorizes that it's "someone who has been slighted professionally by Jay Z," based on all the passive-aggressive jabs at Jay Z (example: "They’ll give you a fish once in a while, but they let everyone know that they’re the only sharks in the water. Jay hangs with some of the crew from Roc Nation, but he’s doing bigger things than even they can keep up with."). Jay apparently has a lot of enemies.
Why do these source/s talk to the NY Post and no one else? If you had the option of talking to any newspaper in the world, wouldn't you talk to the one with the best chance of landing you a date with the world's most bigoted cat lady?
Are we ready for a world in which Beyonce is an actual "Single Lady?" That's not cute.
What's up with that Beyonce remix everyone is saying is "flawless" on Twitter? It's a remix OF "Flawless," one of the songs from her (pretty fantastic) self-titled album from last winter (you know, the visual album she released online without any forewarning). People are also very passionate about Beyonce, so I wouldn't recommend saying anything negative about it, even if you secretly think the album version is way better than the remix (gulp). The most significant things about it: it features Nicki Minaj, and includes a reference to this past spring's Solange/Jay Z elevator kerfuffle: "Of course sometimes shit goes down when there's a billion dollars on an elevator." Then Beyonce laughs manically/maniacally.
Oh yeah, what was that elevator brouhaha about anyway? We never found out. The Carter/Knowles contingent closed ranks and never spoke about it again. But there is that whole Rihanna/fried food metaphor...
Let's get down to brass tacks: is this good or bad for the Illuminati? Asking such a question shows your ignorance. Nothing is "good" or "bad" for the Illuminati—things just happen, things which the Illuminati maybe probably set in motion thousands of years ago. Sometimes the Illuminati does have to step in and directly affect modern times, like whether the price of eggs should or should not increase in any given decade.
So does the Illuminati want them to break up or stay together? That's a tough one. Our gut tells us they want them to stay together: along with Blue Ivy, they form a perfect triangle (triangles are the Illuminati's thing, you see), and they've been a great brand ambassador/smokescreen for Illuminati activity world wide. For many people, it seems too duuuuuh that Beyonce and Jay Z would be part of the worldwide Illuminati conspiracy—the Illuminati would never do something so obvious...unless it wanted it to be so obvious as to be easily overlooked. Look, all the evidence is right there, so you make up your mind. We know where we stand (performing Tom Ford voodoo chants).
We'll, we're proud of you for getting through this without any poorly-photoshopped triangle dioramas: Spoke too soon little buddy! Way too soon.