Dear Andrew Sullivan, welcome to the Big Apple! Sorry you are having a rough initial go of it. But let us assure you that yes, it gets better! Still, you'll probably have a much easier transition if you stop humming Alicia Keys and put on LCD Soundsystem instead:
Okay, before we continue we might as well talk about some of your specific issues. Because those first issues you mentioned? Those won't get better. Time Warner Cable is actually evil and wants to sap your will to live—just ask recent transplant Patrick Stewart who ejected them in favor of Dish! Of course, we hear there are some foul internet companies in D.C. too (*cough* Comcast*cough*), but that doesn't really help you here. So make lemonade! You can now play one of our most popular local pastimes: verbally abusing Time Warner Cable customer support. It is fun and they will talk back to you—trust us!
Sad about putting your WiFi router behind a password? You do realize how dense this town is, right? This is why we lock our apartment doors, too. But again, lemonade! Some people have gotten very creative in their router naming and you can play too! Just try not to be a hater, people do notice.
Stores aren't delivering the right things to you? Probably because of your accent. But the good news is that in New York you most certainly can go in and make a scene until you get a discount, a free nightstand or whatever. And anyway, as far as it getting better, presumably you won't be buying a new TV or couch for a bit. And if the free stuff doesn't fit into your new tiny apartment, well, why are you still in your apartment? You are in New York City! Go out. Your office building, with its fast internet and landlines is also a really good way to solve a lot of your issues.
Now, as for the inconsistent water temperatures in the Daily Beast's headquarters? Blame that on Frank Gehry, who designed your building, not our fine metropolis! New York City tap water is the motherfucking Champagne of municipal tap waters. Our water is so good people bottle it and sell it to tourists. We have a tap water cafe. Do not go knocking our tap water.
Finally, about that sinking feeling every time you see your bank account? We hear you! But now that you are living here and not a tourist, you have to stop acting like a one. Cut back on the cabs (the MTA really works and biking is fun). Stop paying ATM fees (they really add up). Make a budget. Make Tina Brown pay for your dinner sometime! You can do it!
But also, buddy, try going with the flow. Just pretend you are back in Ptown during the height of the season. The longer you stay here the more you are going to find things that you love and stop seeing the things you don't. That "melee of noise and rudeness and madness" that so bothers you now soon enough won't even exist. Either you'll find the ways to simply avoid it (there are more than you'd think) or you'll become adept at moving through it all in a zen calm. None of those people even see you—you really don't have to see them if you don't want to.
And then once you've found your zen we can talk about the many ways the first capital of the United States is just flat out superior to the current capital. Things like our high culture and our low culture, our absurd and incredibly powerful media, our mass transit, our diversity, our cartoonish local politics, our history, our self-absorption, our nightlife and, most important, the fact that in twelve months you are going to be referring to those things as yours too. It gets better!
One last tip: Get out of Manhattan on a regular basis. Brooklyn, Staten Island, Queens, the Bronx—hell even parts of Long Island—are entirely wonderful worlds unto themselves waiting beyond Manhattan's overpriced doorstep. To get you started, here's a little friendly guidance.
