David Letterman, finally free from late night television's draconian beauty standards, has spent the last four months growing a beard. This is not unusual for resting or retired TV hosts—Stephen Colbert sprouted a beautiful grey muzzle-lashing right before he took the reins at The Late Show, and Jon Stewart's grown a fine Admiral's Pennant now that he's off The Daily Show. Still, something about Letterman's new face ornament, spotted in the city this week, seems...sinister:
— Brian Ries (@moneyries) September 29, 2015
It's hard to know what exactly is so unsettling about this grey cloud that's settled atop Letterman's chin, but the evil is surely there. Though Page Six compares him to Santa Claus, he seems more akin to, say, that evil Santa that ruins tiny German children's Christmases, or the ghost miner the Scooby Doo gang foiled that one time. Here he is at the ten minute mark:
Damn that show was insipid. It's unclear just how far Ol' Man Dave's willing to go with his suburbs of the chin, or whether he plans to spend his post-television days giving advice to boy wizards or Uma Thurman. Letterman will, however, be traveling to India soon to film a documentary on climate change for National Geographic before spending the rest of eternity terrorizing local children who dare to go near his lawn, so his retirement is definitely going better than yours will, provided you have not always yearned to make a home inside a Suburu.