Today is December 21st, 2012, and if you're reading this, you survived the Mayan Apocalypse by having sex with an ugly model. Congratulations. This is also the last time we'll ever have to mention the pseudo-rapture "predicted" by Meso-Americans and people who snort Klonopin off of the jewel case of their Pure Moods CDs. To give you an idea of how this final Mayan Apocalypse post of 2012 was expertly crafted, we've obtained permission to publish the transcript of the Gothamist editorial meeting that made this post possible, for your reading pleasure.

A DEAFENING GROANING NOISE SHAKES THE OFFICE, LIKE THE IRON HULL OF A SUBMARINE SCRAPING A BED OF STONE VIKING COFFINS LYING IN SILT.

A METAL DOOR SWINGS OPEN, AND A TINY SHAFT OF LIGHT SHINES DOWN ON A BLOGGER FROM ATOP AN IMPOSSIBLY LONG STAIRCASE.

Editor: Say, there! Blogger! Wake up! We need you.

*SILENCE*

Editor: [Shouting] Hey blogger! Or, uh, content creator!

*SILENCE*

EDITOR TOSSES BUCKET OF EXPENSIVE, SCALDING COFFEE ONTO BLOGGER

Blogger: YAHH! Yes! What is it? Did another monster wash up in DUMBO?

Editor: No. We need you to write something about the Mayan Apocalypse.

Blogger: [Licking coffee residue off naked limbs] Oh, that? Yeah sure, but haven't people sort of read their fill of that crap? I mean, that Harold Camping thing was funny because it felt new—the whack-a-mole of raptures. He just kept changing the date and we all laughed. But now people are sick of that story, and this thing either happens on the 21st or it doesn't and they've had plenty of time to tire of the premise.

Editor: Well I was hoping you'd have some new ideas on the topic.

Blogger: Shouldn't we have started thinking about this like, a month ago? I thought we were—

Editor: Well I have heard of people taking multiple caffeine suppositories to stay awake through the night and greet the "galactic synchronization beam" with their chamber pots, so we could definitely use some stunt journalism—

Blogger: [Rattles chains] OK OK! Jesus! Hmm, Gawker's explainer was pretty thorough. The Awl had that interview with the NASA scientist, and The Atlantic reblogged that. Scientific American had a blogger with a PhD explain why the world isn't going to end, so I feel tad late and underqualified for this party.

Editor: *Sigh* Do you want another coffee shower or what?

Blogger: Yes! Of course! Also, on an unrelated note, I'm pretty sure Jake's Komodo dragon escaped his Meat Castle down here. I haven't heard it make noise in awhile and I don't think I have the strength to fight him off if he tries to—

Editor: What about the Glenn Beck, survivalist angle? Aren't there idiots out there who are arming themselves to the teeth and stockpiling food, a-la-Y2K? And what about the people exploiting the survivalists for money? That seems pretty rich.

Blogger: Well, BuzzFeed had a gigantic profile on one of those guys, and the Times even did a cutesy gift guide for the Mayan Apocalypse survivalist, which was really just an excuse to run a normal, if "edgy" gift guide for last minute shopping tips.

Editor: [Whispers] Those fools. If we don't spread the word about Ragnarok, we will all surely perish.

Blogger: What?

Editor: Nothing! I'm sure you'll think of something. Be back in 30 minutes.

Blogger: Wait, can I get that coffee shower?

Editor: If that lizard gives you trouble, you know, Gchat me or something.

Blogger: Boss?

DOOR SLAMS SHUT. A LOW HISSING NOISE IS HEARD FROM THE CORNER OF THE ROOM.