(via Digital Spy)

If you read aloud from, say, a thesaurus or a Mad Libs filled in by a 10-year-old, you would probably spew out something like the lines delivered in True Detective 2. The show's script, at points, sounds like it was written by someone who read a bunch of Smart Books and then tried to sound like them without much understanding of their words or meaning. Below is a sampling of real lines from True Detective 2, which are best read in the voice of Brick Tamland.

  • “You don’t want to look hungry. Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”
  • “I used to want to be an astronaut, but astronauts don’t land on the moon anymore.”
  • "You like to bully kids, ASS-pen?"
  • “A good woman mitigates our baser tendencies.”
  • “Maybe it’s just a little too close to sucking a robot’s dick.” (This one sounds familiar!)
  • "You’re asking me if he’s that kind of guy. He looks half anaconda, half great white.”
  • “God forgive me for misreading what subtle clues you embed for me in your limp dick, which is as wishy-washy as your fucking mood.”

Recently, Chris Rose of Late Night Basement took these lines out into the wild, blurting them out to strangers in McCarren Park. Rose told us this morning, "No one recognized anything. But when a couple people got freaked out I did tell them what was going on and then they were like, 'Oh yeah I thought that sounded familiar.' Most people were just doing that thing you do in New York when you think a crazy person is talking to you by being polite but a little stand offish. It's over all good to know that if you sound like Vince Vaughn from True Detective people will just assume you're the average crazy New Yorker."