Stephen Colbert returned after a week off with plenty of big news stories to cover—but the best segment of the night was his hilarious roasting of Alex Jones, the perma-hoarse InfoWars host beloved by Donald Trump and conspiracy theorists everywhere. "The insane radio host is in a custody battle right now and so he's trying to prove that he's stable enough to care for children," Colbert said. "Unfortunately, he works in front of a camera."
Jones, who Colbert compared to a "coked out football coach in a police stand-off," has his lawyers arguing in court that he is just a "performance artist" and no one should take his persona or words too seriously. Colbert then admitted he sympathized with Jones, because he too had played a satirical right-wing character for years. We were then treated to Colbert's latest alter ego, talk radio host Tuck Buckford—and his whole rant is incredible:
Welcome back to BrainFight. Listen, people: the liberals want to tattoo Obama logos onto the skin of Christian babies, okay? And it makes me want to fight! Fight with my fists! My blood is on fire! My heart is a volcano! It's time to throw a virgin in there! I am a skeleton wrapped in angry meat! I’m a warrior! I'm a king! One thing I'm not is a performance artist because I hate artists because Andy Warhol put chemicals in Campbell's Soup that turns veterans into bisexual zombies! Now a word from our sponsor, self-lubricating catheters! Buy my vitamins!
In his monologue, Colbert also mocked Trump's "hard-hitting interview" with Fox Business host Maria Bartiromo. "Yes, they were eating beautiful chocolate cake, classic war story," Colbert said of one Trump anecdote. "Reminds me of Winston Churchill's famous address to the British people: 'We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall, nyum nyum nyum. Mmmmmmm cake!'" And he didn't forget about Trump's "adorable" mistake when he said he bombed Iraq, not Syria: "Whoops-a-bobbies, oopsie-cadabra! I got the wrong country."